So this is what good news feels like...

We are so excited. I received a call from my AWESOME nurse, Shawnie, at Fertility Partnership to say that my biopsy results were negative.  The pre-cancerous cells are gone!  I am so happy.  She said I could stop taking the crazy dose of progesterone.  I am now on my third day without it. 

TMI warning...proceed with caution. 

Still here?  Ok.  Well, basically I am going to have a mega period.  Can't wait!  We are going to monitor my cyles for a while.  We are going to give my poor uterus a break for a bit.  We'll see what the winter brings (besides some relief from the heat).

So, that's all for now.  I will keep you posted whenever there is something else to share.

Dude...that sucked!

So, I went in for a biopsy today to see if those pre-cancerous cells are gone.  Reminder: I started taking a mega-dose of progesterone over four months ago.  It's a terrible medication and I want to get off it.  So, I went in for the biopsy and thought it would be fairly routine.  Here are the things that went wrong:

1. The doctor stopped taking my insurance.  This isn't a HUGE problem because we are cash pay on everything fertility related.  It is a problem for biopsies, D&C's, etc.  So, if we need a D&C before the frozen embryo transfer (or God-forbid after), it will be a little expensive.  They did say that they may be able to refer us to someone who takes our insurance for those types of things. 
2. The doctor was explaining my pre-cancerous cells to a new nurse.  He said something along the lines of, "These cells can be in five different stages.  One is four steps away from cancer.  One is three steps away from cancer, and so on..."  Then he said, "Hers are one stage away from cancer."  Ummmm....that's not cool.  I'm a little nervous about what this means for my future.  I'm not the type of person to just sit and dwell on the "what-ifs".  I do want to make sure we keep a close eye on things.
3. The biopsy hurt like hell.  I'm not sure if I'm just losing my edge or what.  I used to never have any problems with pain.  I have had crazy menstrual cramps since I was 9 years old.  I have learned to deal with pain.  All of a sudden, I turn into a baby at the doctor's office lately.  Anyway, it was awful and I felt sick afterward and I wanted to go home with a heating pad (and maybe a glass of wine).  Alas, I returned to work.
4. I'm getting that old familiar anxious/exhausted feeling already.  I realize that anxiety and exhaustion are basically opposites, but that's the only way for me to describe it.  I get anxious about what is to come.  I worry about how I will feel during and after the FET.  I worry about the entire process and the outcome.  I get immediately exhausted thinking about next steps.  I have had a fantastic summer and I have felt wonderful for months.  Now I feel as though I am sinking back into my infertile alter-ego. 

Ok, so what went right:

1. I lost another pound since my last visit.  I was actually worried that I had gained weight because of my recent eating habits.  I'll take a one pound loss!
2. Doc said we should be able to move forward with FET in the fall or winter.  We are thinking about holding off a bit so that I can try to lose a little more weight.  Doc didn't say that wasn't necessary, but I know I would feel better and it would be better for our snow babies.
3. I got to talk to my awesome nurse, Shawnie.  She rocks!
4. I got a Diet Cherry-Coke from Steak-n-Shake on the way back to work.  So...that's something!

Thanks to everyone for your prayers.  As of right now, I just want to crawl into bed and sleep off these feelings.  Tomorrow is a new day and I pray for a renewed sense of hope. 

Just a little update...

Hey guys!
I just wanted to give a quick update.  I have been on the appetite suppressant for 9 weeks and I have lost 8 lbs so far.  I feel much better and I have a great deal of energy.  I go back to the doctor in early August for another weight check.  At that point, I think I'll see if we can set a date to stop taking the progesterone.  I still want to give myself some time to hopefully lose some more weight.  I want to be as healthy as possible before the embryo transfer. 

We are having a fantastic summer.  We just got back from vacation and we have packed our summer full of fun.  I think we are secretly hoping to get in all of the things we want to try to do before the FET.  We are having an absolute blast and enjoying lots of time with family and friends.  Overall, I feel great.  I feel healthier and happier than I was when we were in the midst of our January cycle.  I really want to hold on to this optimism and energy throughout the FET.  I think it's going to take me a few months to really get to a place where I can feel comfortable moving forward. 

As of right now, life is good.  It makes me wonder sometimes if we should move forward or if we should just be happy with the blessings we have been given.  I just can't handle the thought of our little snow babies sitting in the lab though.  Anyway, I'm just thankful for this much-needed summer and the fun that comes with it.  I'll send another update soon!

I stole this one!

Hey guys,
I saw this on someone else's blog and thought it was perfect.  I hope she doesn't mind me stealing it.

Infertility is...

Watching your husband playing with your friend's baby and wishing you could give him one of his own.
Telling nurses to please take blood from your right arm because the veins in your left arm are all gone because of all the IVs you've had.
Avoiding people you haven't seen for a long time because you don't want to hear the question, "Do you have any kids yet?"
Feeling very left out when your friends start comparing their pregnancy or childbirth experiences.
Feeling like the whole town is pregnant except for you.
Getting tired of people always expecting you to do things because "you don't have any kids to worry about".
Waking up in the middle of the night and wishing you could hear your baby crying.
Wishing you could give your parents grandchildren.
Wanting to fall apart if one other person says, "Why don't you adopt?" Easy, right?
Sometimes avoiding friends who are pregnant or with newborns because you just can't handle the situation at that moment.

Thanks!

I am LOVING this new medicine!

This appetite suppressant has been wonderful so far.  Like I said in my last blog, it is basically legal speed.  I wake up with crazy amounts of energy and stay energized all day.  I have been getting so much accomplished.  It definitely works to suppress my appetite.  I have been eating about half of what I would normally eat.

I have been referring to myself as the Tazmanian Devil.  I woke up yesterday and did two loads of laundry, grocery shopped, and cleaned the house before 9 am.  I don't have that mid-afternoon slump that I normally have at work.  I want to keep moving constantly.  It feels good to be finished with the lethargic lifestyle and ridiculous eating I was doing before.

In other news...we have a fantastic summer planned.  We have several trips coming up.  We have something fun planned almost every weekend from now through August.  We both feel great emotionally and physically right now.  We are hoping to pack this summer with fun and amazing experiences before hopefully getting pregnant in the fall or winter (fingers crossed).  Take care!

Today's Appointment

So, I went in to Fertility Partnership today for a pap smear (sorry...TMI).  As always, I loved seeing the FP staff.  Nicole and Shawnie were both so welcoming.  We were able to catch up a bit while I waited for Dr. S.  They were both so sweet and encouraging, as always.  I teared up a bit when Shawnie talked about our little snow babies.  She said they are taking good care of them until my body is ready. 

Anyway, I went back into the room to put on the ever so small "vest" (open in front).  This vest was not made for a blessed woman such as myself.  I spent the time time waiting for Dr. Simckes pulling and tucking and trying to cover up.  My attempts were in vain.  Anyway...I digress.  Dr. Simckes came in and asked what I was doing there.  I told him I wanted to get off this Megestrol because of the awful side effects.  He said bluntly that I was not going to get off the Megestrol earlier than expected.  Oh...ok.  Well, that sucks.  He said that even if the pre-cancerous cells are gone, we can't stop the medication early because the cells could come back.  He also said that we need to do another D&C to really biopsy the tissue to make sure the cells are gone.

We talked about the fact that I eat constantly and that I have gained TWELVE POUNDS (yes, TWELVE) in less than two months.  UGH!  The constant eating of junk food makes me feel complete lethargic.  So, he said he would put me on an appetite suppressant (basically speed). Nicole told me I might "forget to eat" on this medicine.  This made me laugh because I have pretty much never skipped a meal.  Anyway, I'm going to try it and see how I feel.

So, how do I feel about this?  I was disappointed, of course.  I was praying all week and all the way to the appointment.  I just wanted him to call me in a day or two to say that the pre-cancerous cells were gone and that I could stop taking the medicine.  I also allowed myself to feel that old familiar "feel sorry for myself" kind of feeling that I allow to creep into my heart every now and again.  I was longing to just have a reason to have some hope.  I want to be working toward something.  I mean ACTIVELY working toward something.  I realize that taking my 9 or 10 medicined each day are a way for me to be working toward the ultimate goal.  But, it doesn't feel active to me.  Honestly, I'm just disappointed at where we are at this point.

My husband tried to put it into perspective.  He said that my biggest worry right now is the increased appetite.  He said that this new medication will hopefully remedy that problem and suppress my appetite.  However, the Megestrol will still keep working to hopefully zap those cells and keep me healthy.  I, of course, want a timeline.  I need a plan.  I want a better idea of our future.  I should know by now that it just doesn't work that way.

Thank you for listening!

Mother's Day and Health Update

Health Update
I am still on the high level dose of progesterone.  I have been so upset with myself lately because I have been eating so much and I've gained a lot of weight. I found out that the medication I am on is given to HIV patients and Stage 4/5 cancer patients who are unable to eat.  It increases their appetites and helps them to gain weight.  So, I am thankful that I am not just going crazy and eating for no reason.  I hope I can get control over it soon. 

I called the Dr's office and told them that I couldn't handle this medication.  I am tired all the time.  I eat like I'm 8 months pregnant.  I have been bleeding for almost three weeks (sorry for the tmi).  So, I have a test scheduled for May 17th to track the progress of those pre-cancerous cells.  I am feverishly praying that they are gone.  I would love to stop the medicine soon.  We won't move forward with FET for a while, but I would be happy to end this medication as soon as possible.

Mother's Day
So, today was Mother's Day.  I had a great day with my family.  However, this was the first time in all of the years since we have been ttc that I was really sad on Mother's Day.  I woke up this morning missing the two boys we lost in a failed adoption.  I couldn't stop thinking about how far I would have been along in my pregnancy had the IVF in January worked.  I kept thinking about our two little babies who didn't make it through the IVF procedure.  I kept thinking about the fact that EVERY YEAR I tell myself that it will be my last Mother's Day without a child.  I truly convince myself of that each year and it just isn't true.  I couldn't allow myself to think it this morning.  I am not convinced that this is my last Mother's Day without a child.  At this point, I feel like I'll always be the childless mother on Mother's Day.

I went to dinner with some friends tonight.  At the end of the meal, the server said he had a special gift for me and my friend.  He knows I don't have children.  We go there with our friends all the time (almost weekly) and they always have their two-year-old son with them. He brought us each a dessert and t-shirt and said, "Happy Mother's Day."  I thought about correcting him.  I almost said, "I'm not a mother."  Then I decided that I would happily accept this gift today.  I am a mother.  I am childless, but I have the heart of a mother.

I'm not sure what else to say.  I'm hoping I wake up tomorrow feeling a little less empty.

Wishing we could catch a little break!

Well, I got a call today from Shawnie at Fertility Partnership.  She left me a message that she had my lab results.  To be honest, I had completely forgotten we were waiting on lab results.  I hadn't shared all of this, but after our D&C last week, Dr. Simckes thought everything looked so great.  So, they called us to get us scheduled for a May frozen embryo transfer.  We weren't going to tell anyone, but we were getting extremely excited.  We were gearing up to get started again, and then...BAM!

Today they called with the lab results and said that those pre-cancerous cells (found during our last D&C) were not going anywhere even though I had been blasted with progesterone.  So, the nurse proceeds to tell me that I will be put on a large amount of very strong medication every day for at least the next three months.  She said they wanted me to start TODAY and that she was calling in the prescription.  I asked if I should be worried and she said that I shouldn't be too worried about the cells.  It will probably take anywhere from 6 to 9 months of meds (with a D&C every three months) and the cells will probably go away.

She did, however, say that the meds are going to rock my world. She said, "you will feel pregnant...only worse."  AWESOME.  Apparently, this concentrated amount of hormones pumped into your system can cause some pretty extreme side effects. So, my hope is that I can will myself into not having these side effects.  I am going to work to keep myself healthy...mentally and physically.  Mind over matter!  She said I will probably feel dizzy, light headed, nauseous, sore, and that I will have wicked mood swings.  She specifically said to send her sympathies to my husband. 

I was walking with a friend tonight and she said that 6 to 9 months is nothing in the grand scheme of things. I want to be healthy.  I want these cells out of my body.  So, we'll see how it goes.  Prayers are greatly appreciated. 

We are extremely disappointed at another setback. The mere thought of it is exhausting to me.  But, we are going to try REALLY hard to see this as a blessing.  1.) We found the cells early.  2.) We can start planning our summer vacation because we aren't waiting on a May transfer.  3.) We have more time to get our lives, our minds, and our hearts ready for this potential transfer.  Thanks to you all!

Meeting with Dr. S

So, we met with Dr. Simckes yesterday.  We didn't know exactly what to expect.  I was armed with a list of questions. He took his time with us and answered all of our questions thoroughly.  Basically, he can't really say why the procedure didn't work.  He isn't 100% convinced that it didn't work.  There is still a chance that we had a miscarriage.  However, he is taking the blame for the other options.  He said that we should have maybe considered a "freeze-all" because of those pre-cancerous cells.  We found out about those cells so late in the cycle, so he thought we should progress.  Then when he saw the excellent egg quality, all signs pointed to completing the cycle. He was beating himself up about it.  He is much harder on himself than necessary.  But, that is because he truly cares.  He said he will feel like a failure until we get pregnant.  We absolutely love him and the rest of the staff.  How many doctors would take the blame for a procedure that only works 30% of the time?  Dr. Simckes is absolutely amazing. 

So, what are the next steps?  Well, he wants to get rid of these pre-cancerous cells before we proceed with anything else.  I will have a D&C scheduled in March.  He will biopsy the cells again and we will see if the progesterone from the January cycle helped at all.  It could take 6 months or so to get rid of the cells.  Once again, we are in a bit of a holding pattern.

Of course, I broke down in his office.  I just want to be finished with this process.  Like I said in a previous post, I haven't felt like the "infertile woman" in a long time.  Now that we are back in the game, I allow it to define me.  Six months ago, I was loving my career, working on my Ph.D., spending time with people I love, and feeling pretty good about life.  All of a sudden, the process of ttc takes over and I allow the rest to take a backseat. 

Everyone says it is worth it in the long-run.  But, that's only true if it works.  None of this is really worth it if we continue this emotional (and expensive) journey and still end up where we started.  I have put so much on hold over these past few years.  I know it may not look like it from the outside, but there are so many decisions I would have made differently if I knew we still wouldn't have a baby at this point.

Here is what I am going to TRY REALLY HARD to believe...
1.) When we become parents, it will be in God's perfect timing. 
2.) God wants us to have a family.  He has given us too many blessings/opportunities at the exact time we need them.
3.) When we become parents, we will be more patient, loving, thankful, excited and prepared than we would have been 10 years ago. 
4.) If we never become parents, we will survive.  I have a true partner in my husband.  He makes this journey work. 

If I have learned nothing else, I have learned that we can handle those things that we say, "I just couldn't handle it if..."  We are stronger than we think.  I'll be sure to keep in touch over the next 6 months.  Please pray that these cells will go away soon!

Thanks, Friend!

I was having lunch with a friend today.  She often surprises me with her ability to think critically about situations.  She will give a perspective that I never considered in a situation.  I am often jealous of her clarity of thought when examining a problem.

Well, today we talked a little about perspective.  I was explaining how I feel bad for feeling bad sometimes.  Does that make sense?  In other words, I've got a really good life.  I have a husband I adore, a job I love, friends I couldn't live without, a loving and supportive family, a roof over my head and a God who promises to love and forgive me even though I don't deserve it.  So, I admit, sometimes I am overwhelmed with guilt when I allow myself to be sad about our infertility. 

As I talked with my friend,  I said, "I feel terrible because this is the worst thing going on in my life and I'm letting it define me."  She said that we (people in general) get caught up in trying to find perspective in every situation.  We allow ourselves to think about the fact that other people have it worse than we do.  Then we start to feel guilty for ever feeling badly about our situation in the first place. 

Then, here's the good part, she said that it is OKAY for me to allow myself to feel bad.  I don't have to put everything into perspective.  Yes, someone else may be deathly ill, or someone's house may have just burned down, or someone may be going through a divorce, BUT that doesn't mean I have to feel guilty about allowing myself to feel bad right now.  She said people need to live in the moment...in their reality.  My reality is that we have just been through something very difficult.  I realize that it may not seem like much compared to the struggles some people go through.  She truly helped me to see that I do not always have to put things into perspective. It's ok to just own my feelings and work through it.  Thanks, friend!

The truth of the matter is that I feel really great.  At this point, in this moment, I do not need to feel badly about our situation.  I feel blessed and happy...right now.  However, I am thankful to my friend for teaching me that it is ok to have feelings.  It is ok to be sad or angry.  The true perspective is that I don't have to put everything into perspective.  I am thankful for our lunch chat and for a friend who has the guts to always say the difficult things.

Great Response to a Huffington Post Article

Some people have a difficult time understanding why people struggling with infertility are not a little more open about their situation.  It is difficult to comprehend until you are in the middle of it all.  Sometimes I feel crazy because I will be completely comfortable opening up to a perfect stranger.  Then I clam up around friends or family who might ask about our situation.  There is really no rhyme or reason to it, but I have decided that it is ok for me to feel that way. 

A woman wrote an interesting article in the Huffington Post.  I have attached a response that I found quite intriguing.  It somewhat sums up how I feel about sharing.  Basically, the woman in the response is saying that the onus is also on the listener.  Sometimes people struggling with infertility choose not to share because of the frustruation that comes from the often insensitive responses (or altogether lack of response) from the listener.  Just thought I would share.

Here is the original article in the Huffington Post: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dina-roth-port/infertility-the-disease-w_b_819978.html

Here is the response: http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2011/02/please-stop-telling-me-to-speak-about-infertility/

Turning the page...

I am happy to report that I believe I have turned the page on this January cycle.  I believe all of the meds are officially out of my system.  I am not having any pain or other physical symptoms.  As of today, I feel much more emotionally stable.  One might dare to say that I am back to my old self.

One of the very first things I wrote when I started this blog was, "We are not an infertile couple.  We are a happily married, constantly busy, fun-loving couple who just happens to be infertile."  However, for the past few months I have felt like the infertile couple again.  I allowed myself to forget the most imporant things...that we ARE an extremely happily married couple who loves to have fun and always stays busy.  I was immersed in infertility. Today, for the first time in a while, I no longer feel that way. 

So, what are we going to do?  Well, for starters, we are going to have a fantastic weekend.  We are spending time with friends tonight and enjoying a wonderful date night tomorrow.  We are going to start putting things back together and moving forward.  What are we going to do regarding infertility?  We do not know.  We are meeting with Dr. Simckes in a couple of weeks to debrief this cycle.  What went wrong?  Could anything have changed the outcome?  Where do we go from here? 

I love you all for your wonderful support.  I'll keep in touch as we decide what to do next.

Quick update

Well, this has been a rough week. I'm having a terrible week at work and I'm still quite emotional. Thankfully, I am in a selfish enough mood that I am able to not really care that much about ridiculous stuff at work. In the grand scheme of things in my life, I don't have the energy to let it affect me. I believe the medication is all out of my system, so now my body is adjusting. You would think that would be a good thing, but my hormones are naturally messed up, so now I am hitting a wall after going off progesterone.

Physically, I'm feeling much better. I am thankful for that. I hope to feel like myself before the weekend. We have a great weekend planned with friends and I hope to snap out of this funk.

Honestly, we still aren't sure what we will do next. We will meet with our Dr in the next few weeks to go over our January cycle and then we can make some decisions.

I am smack dab in the middle of a wah wah wah, feeling sorry for myself fest.  I really wish I could just feel better physically and possibly start to move on.  It's just a constant reminder of the fact that things just didn't work out for us.  I haven't really felt like myself in so long.  I am looking forward to the day when I wake up and feel like myself again. Then, and only then, can I really start the process of moving on.

I am sad for our friends and family who travelled this journey with us and whose hearts broke with ours last week.  I am sad every time I do something that I couldn't do when we were in the middle of our cycle (drinking caffeine, having a glass of wine, etc).  It's all just a constant reminder. 

I did clean up all of the medicine and put away all of the syringes.  I guess it might help to not have to pass by all of those things every day.  As of right now, my husband and I both feel like we need a change.  We need a project.  Do we redecorate a room of the house?  Our house is on the market, so that doesn't seem like a good use of our time.  Do we look for a new hobby?  Do we look for a new job?  I don't know.  At this point, I just feel like something needs to change.  All of my energy that was previously going toward IVF is now stagnant.  So, I'm not sure what we will decide, but I feel like change is definitely in our future.  I'll keep you posted!

Well, I'm not sure what to say today, but I thought I would try to write something.  We have been thankful to friends and family who have been keeping us busy over the past couple of days and we are looking forward to spending time with friends tonight as we watch the Superbowl. We are both extroverted, so we get our energy from other people.  We both feel better emotionally when we are surrounded by friends and family.  I even noticed last night that I didn't notice my cramping while I was out to dinner with my family.  So, I think returning to work tomorrow and keeping ourselves busy this week will be good. 

I'm a little senstive right now.  I do not want to read another facebook post about how frustrated these parents are to be home with their children during the recent snow days.  I do not want to hear another pregnant woman talk about how she would give anything for a glass of wine right now.  I don't want to hear another person talk about how life was easier before they had children. 

Of course, we haven't made any decisions regarding next steps. We are just going to take some time to heal.  Dr. Simckes wants to see us for a post-cycle interview.  We are going to review our file closely and I have a ton of questions to ask him.  My biggest concern right now is that when we last spoke on the phone, Dr. Simckes told me that everything seemed perfect with our cycle.  Our embryos were some of the best quality they have seen recently.  Everything appeared to be perfect.  So, I want to know why we should take the risk again.  What could possibly change to increase our chances?  If we can't get a good answer to that, I'm not sure we'll do a frozen embryo transfer. 

Anyway, for now...just taking it easy. Take care!

So, how are we doing?

I'm not going to get into all of the graphic details, but let's just say that I am physically not feeling well.  I have lots of cramping and lots of bleeding and I really thought something was wrong.  After googling my symptoms, I found information on things like "uterine hemorrhaging" (scary stuff) and started to freak out a bit.  So, this morning I called the after-hours line for Fertility Partnership.

I felt bad calling and thought that maybe one of the medical assistants would pick up the phone.  No, Dr. Simckes himself answered the phone and he sounded like he was genuinely happy to hear from me on a Saturday morning.  He is truly the BEST DOCTOR EVER.  Anyway, I explained my symptoms and he said that I might be having a chemical pregnancy.  Here is some information from a website to explain:

Chemical pregnancies occur quite frequently following IVF. While they usually result from a chromosomally abnormal (aneuploid) embryo trying to implant, they can also be due to the uterine lining (for anatomical, immunologic or other reasons)being insufficiently receptive to allow healthy embryo implantation. Clearly, to the IVF patient, the diagnosis of a "chemical pregnancy" represents a severe disapointment. However its occurence provides clear evidence that at least one embryo reached the advanced preimplantation phase of development(the blastocyst stage), went on to "hatch" and attempted to implant. As such a "chemical pregnacy" can often be regarded as being a "dark cloud that has a silver lining".... because offers hope of a successful clinical pregnancy in the future.
So, he said to wait it out and that if it becomes significantly worse, we will have to meet at the hospital for a D&C.  We aren't sure that this is what is occuring, but I'm glad to know that this is fairly normal and that there isn't something much worse happening.  Of course, nothing can just be easy (wah wah).

In terms of how we are feeling emotionally, we are doing fairly well.  Thank you to our awesome friends who invited us out last night and made us laugh for 3 hours.  That is certainly the best medicine.  Of course, we are still sad.  At times, I allow myself to stop thinking about it.  Then, out of nowhere, I will be overcome with grief for a while as I continue to mourn. 

Here is the cycle of emotions I have had in the last 24 hours (in the order I experienced them):
1.)  I felt like a failure.  Why couldn't I keep these babies alive?  What is wrong with me? 
2.)  Why would I ever do this again?  I can't imagine risking those little embryos again.
3.)  I am NOT a failure (thank you ES for the email!)  I did absolutely everything I could.  I took EVERY pill and administered EVERY shot on time.  I drank the darn Gatorade.  I ate the foods they said to eat.  I strictly adhered to my bedrest.  I avoided anything I read on any website that could be a potential problem. I worked hard to keep my stress level down.  I went to acupuncture religiously.  I prayed and prayed and prayed again.  I did everything I could and I'm not going to allow myself to feel like a failure any more.
4.) I still don't understand why.  I realize (thank you again, ES) that statistically it is more likely to have a failied IVF than for it to be successful.  But, I still don't/won't understand why! 
5.) I digressed into thinking that maybe I'm just not supposed to be a mom (tried hard to push those thoughts aside).
6.) Now...at this moment...I'm feeling alright emotionally (not physically).  I'm going to spend some time with my family and try like mad to stay positive.  I am allowing these meds to get out of my system.  Once I feel better physically and once the meds are gone, I'll be in a better place to make decisions with my husband regarding next steps.

Thansk for your prayers. You are all wonderful!

Beta results

Well, here us a little update since I haven't posted in a few days. On Wednesday, we had completely given up hope. Then, all of a sudden, I started to have some brown spotting. I called FP and they said it sounded like it might be implantation spotting. So, we allowed ourselves to get a little excited again. They said that brown blood is good and red blood is bad. We were quite hopeful.

Then, (sorry if TMI) it turned from brown to pink to red. I called FP again and my awesome nurse, Shawnie, said to calm down. It still sounded like implantation. However, she moved up my beta to today so that I could get the good news before the weekend and so I could calm down. I didn't tell my family and I was do excited that I might be able to surprise them a few days early with the results.

Well, Dr. Simckes called today, but the news wasn't good. My beta came back negative. He couldn't believe it. The embryos were excellent quality and everything looked so good. He said that all of the meds in my system may have made for a hostile environment. He encouraged us to try again soon.

I drove to my husband's work and texted him to come outside. I hated to have to tell him the bad news on what we thought might be the best day of our lives. I was actually doing alright until I saw him and knew I had to break his heart. We spent the rest of the afternoon calling friends and family who had prayed with us along the way.

Thank you to everyone who followed this journey. I will write more another time when this all sinks in. Prayers are still greatly appreciated.

Hey guys.  I just wanted to do a quick post before bed to let you all know that I do not know for sure that the IVF procedure didn't work.  My beta (blood test) isn't scheduled until Monday.  Thank you to my awesome friends and family who sent supportive and loving emails and texts today.  You know who you are. 

Yesterday was one of those days.  Quite honestly, I have read other IVF blogs where women completely give up hope before beta.  Sometimes you just feel like you know.  So, I am sorry if I upset anyone with my last post.  I don't want anyone to worry any more than necessary and there are so many of my friends and family who read this blog who WILL NOT find out the beta results via this blog.  So, until you hear from me on Monday, we will TRY really hard to hold on to a little hope.  Thank you to everyone for so much love an for following us on a very real and very emotional journey.

Well, I have officially given up.

Well, I am sad to say that I have officially given up on this IVF cycle.  What little symptoms I was having (which I attributed to meds) are now gone.  It is as if I am the opposite of pregnant.  My body is doing whatever it takes to show me that it just didn't work.  Worse than that, I just know in my heart and in my gut that it didn't work.

I guess I am kind of happy to know this early.  It would have been really difficult to find out on Monday and then have to tell everyone while nursing fresh wounds.  The reality of everything is settling in.

I was talking to a friend and explained that the worst part about this is that I feel so selfish for trying in the first place.  How awful to create these little babies and then not be able to keep them alive.  It really breaks my heart.  I talked to Fertility Partnership yesterday.  My nurse is wonderful and was very sweet.  She did say that I still need to go in for my beta on Monday to confirm.  Honestly, I wish this cycle was over.  This has taken up way too much of my life and I can't stand always waiting, waiting, waiting for the cycle to end.

Today=OBSESSED!

I don't know what happened from yesterday to today, but my outlook changed drastically.  I woke up feeling so discouraged.  I didn't want to get out of bed.  I prayed for a long time and asked God to give us a sign.  I spent most of the day just curled up in a blanket on the couch.  I took a 90 minute nap.  And...I Googled pregnancy symptoms in the meantime.

I'm not good with surprises.   I like to know exactly how things are going to pan out.  I went grocery shopping today and I stood by the pregnancy tests asking for the strength to not buy one.  I didn't.  I was kind of proud of myself.  I know that a negative test wouldn't make me feel any worse because I would know that it was really early and didn't mean much.  But, a positive test would definitely make me feel better.  Oh well!  Praying for strength and patience. 

We wait...and wait...and wait!

So, I'm doing a pretty good job of not obsessing today.  I realized that I could basically enter anything into a Google search.  Somewhere, at some point, some woman has had that symptom.  It's driving me crazy, so I'm stepping away from the Google.

The truth is, I think this waiting is just a part of the lesson we are supposed to learn from these years of working toward having a baby.  Aren't we going to need this patience we are building over the next 18 years as we raise a child into a productive member of society?

I am REALLY trying, but I'm definitely not perfect.  I had another mini-breakdown last night.  We did my evening shots and then I just started crying again.  Ok, I wasn't just crying.  It was a definite flood of emotion.  It's funny how my attitude changes from hour-to-hour, even minute-to-minute.  Somethimes (like right now), I'm completely fine and I feel like this next week will be a breeze.  Other times (last night) I just wanted to know.  I'm still praying for violent morning sickness, but it's just not happening. 

We are going out tonight, so I think today is going to be a great day.  We did look at a bigger vehicle today (just in case we have twins).  As always, we are hopeful and excited.  I'll check back soon, friends!

Yesterday I was so hurt and angry when someone stated that my doctor was "playing God" through this IVF process. I was so frustrated and I tried to really get myself to calm down.  Then I was angry at myself for allowing this person to upset me.  I have never judged how or when a person has chosen to expand their family.  If I had, I would certainly never tell them when they were in the middle of the most stressful two weeks of their life. 

Thankfully, I went to acupuncture last night and felt extremely centered when I left.  I couldn't believe the difference in myself from one hour to the next.  I was so thankful to feel the peace and calm that I wanted/needed at the moment.  Plus, I hadn't seen John (my acupuncturist) since before the retrieval, so it was fun to see how excited he was at the news of the 27 eggs and 8 frozen embryos.

I had a rough night on Tuesday.  I'm going to share because I know that some of the ttc women out there will relate.  We did the progesterone shot and then I just started crying.  I think part of it was the pain, but then I did what I like to call the Incredible Hulk.  It's as if my emotions just take over and I have no control of myself.  So, I went from the silent cry to the ugly cry in 1.2 seconds.  My husband asked what was wrong and hugged me.  I simply said, "I don't feel pregnant."  Ok, this was TWO DAYS after the transfer.  I realize this is ridiculous and that I shouldn't/wouldn't feel pregnant at this point.  I may not even be pregnant yet.  The embryos can take 1-5 days for implantation.

I'll admit, I've been a bit obsessed with pregnancy symptoms.  I was like this for the first 2-3 years we were ttc.  Am I more tired than usual?  Am I nauseous?  Was that a flutter?  I drove myself crazy.  Now I am back to my old ways.  Thankfully, I have seen more than my share of women online who do the same thing.  I keep reading things like, "I am 2 days past ovulation and I am craving waffles.  Is this is a sign of pregnancy?"  Or "I am 3 days past transfer and I have a runny nose, could this mean anything?"  It certainly helps to know that I am not the only one who does this.

I guess I always thought I would just know.  I have been so in touch with every cramp, every part of each cycle, etc.  I just assumed that there would be some magic moment as soon as I was pregnant where I would just know.  So, yes...it does scare me a bit to not feel anything at this point.  I realize I am only four days past transfer, but I just want to know. 

So, I'm going to let this be a teachable moment.  I want to enjoy every second of this process.  I am trying REALLY HARD not to wish these next two weeks away.  Two reasons:  1.) If I am pregnant, I sincerely want to cherish every single second of what may be my only pregnancy.  I want to enjoy the time and never wish it away.  2.) If I'm not pregnant, I don't want the dream to be over. I'm just not ready for that yet.  So, I am going to try to relax.  I'll try to enjoy this time and I will do whatever I can to stay positive and focused. 

Last night was AMAZING!

We arrived at Fertility Partnership around 10:30 last night.  We were surprisingly calm.  Upon arrival, Aaron came out from the lab to show us pictures of our perfect little embryos and to give us the grades. Our first baby was graded at an A- and our second baby was a B+.  Aaron was extremely optimistic and said he felt very good about the egg quality.  He then explained that 8 of our other embryos were frozen and that they were all A-, B+, or B quality.  GREAT NEWS.  There are still 4 embryos he is working to freeze.  We will find out about them in the next day or two.

I put on my hospital gown and relaxed in bed as I watched a little How I Met Your Mother.  Doc's plane landed safely and he made it on time.  From there, everything went very quickly.  I was moved to the procedure room.  Doctor Simckes came in and chatted a bit.  Aaron brought in the embryos and they were placed gently into the perfect spot in my uterus.

So, they stood me up, let me go to the bathroom (because the procedure has to be done with a full bladder) and then I got dressed.  Before we left, Nikki handed me an envelope with the lab orders for my pregnancy test (no home pregnancy tests allowed because the medications can cause a false positive).  Dr. Simckes gave us our first ultrasound picture.

He placed a heart over the spot where the two little embryos were resting!
As we took the elevator downstairs, my husband and I just stared at each other with astonishment and excitement.  Nothing went wrong.  Everything was perfect.  We still have healthy embryos left to grow our family later. 

I am on bed rest for the next two days.  I plan to do absolutely nothing.  My overly organized self has already cooked meals for the entire week.  For now, I'm cuddled up on the couch wathing "A Baby Story" on TLC. 

As always, your continued prayers are appreciated. 

Patience is truly a virtue! The story of my Sunday...

We woke up around 7:30 this morning.  I didn't know how I would possibly make it to 10 pm!  I was already so excited and nervous.  I just couldn't wait for 10 o'clock to get here.  For the most part, I have stayed fairly centered today.  I have had moments of nervousness, but mostly just pure excitement. 

Well, we went upstairs this evening to administer my evening shots.  By the way...I'm trying really hard not to complain because I know that this entire process is a blessing and a wonderful opportunity.  I'm just being honest for the other ttc women out there reading this blog.  This Progesterone in Oil shot is a KILLER! First of all, my awesome husband has to administer it.  Poor thing.  Secondly, it's a HUGE needle.  I think they said it was a 22 gauge needle.  Can that be right?  Thirdly, it leaves me feeling like I went to kickboxing class.  We rotate from left cheek to right cheek nightly (and, no, I'm not talking about my face).  I've tried all of the tricks I've read from other blogs.  The kicker is that I have to do this one for 12 weeks.  YIPPEE!  (disclaimer: I will gladly do whatever it takes to get pregnant, so PLEASE do not think I am being ungrateful.)

Anywho...I finished my evening shots and we both had missed calls on our cell phones.  It was Tammy from Fertility Partnership saying that Dr. Simckes's flight was delayed because of the weather and that they wanted us there at 11 pm instead.  My first thought was that I wanted Dr. S to be safe.  My second thought was that I can't possibly wait another hour without going crazy.  Isn't that funny?  We have waited over 9 years, and I am freaking out over one hour?  That thought was fleeting.  My third thought (which was later reiterated by a great friend!) was "one more hour to pray."  So, I am going to take my time getting ready to leave and I am going to pray as much as I possibly can.  I just can't wait to be near that little petri dish of possibility!

Also, I was reading some articles on Giuliana and Bill.  Do other ttc women watch this show?  It's awesome!  They went through two rounds of IVF and they allowed the cameras to be there every step of the way.  Anyway, one article said that Giuliana had to take 63 shots in one month.  So, this made me want to count up my shots.  The final number for January (unless they add something in the meantime)...NINETY-EIGHT!  Whew!  No wonder it looks like my husband punches me in the gut when I sleep. 

So, for now we beg for your prayers and thank you for your continued support!  What are you doing tonight?  I'm going to become a mommy!

WOOHOO!

We just got a call from Fertility Partnership.  18 eggs were injected and 14 fertilized!!  That is such great news.  Now they will grade them (A, A-, B+, etc) and we will use the best two eggs on Sunday.  I couldn't be more pleased with the outcome!

Plus, I was really excited that they called my husband's cell phone to give him the news.  He normally has to hear everything second-hand through me.  This was a very exciting call for him to receive and I am thankful he was able to experience the thrill of getting some good news!  Thanks to everyone for your continued prayers.

We are scheduled for a 10 pm transfer on Sunday evening.  What a dedicated staff to give up their Sunday evening for us and then show up on Monday to help other patients.  I just can't get over how amazing they are! 

As for today, I am getting some much needed rest.  I'll check back soon.

PRAISE GOD! The hard part is over...

Well, today was quite eventful.  It started with the most restless night of sleep.  I was so excited and anxious to get to Fertility Partnership.  I kept looking outside our hotel window to see the snow falling steadily.  I just couldn't wait to clear the 8 inches of snow off our car and just get there safely.

Doctor Simckes and the staff were all there, bright and cheery and safe.  So, Jackie got me prepped and ready to go.  I talked to my ovaries and told them that we needed lots of eggs.  The anesthesiologist heard me and said, "How many eggs are you expecting?"  Shawnie said, "Maybe 6 or 8."  I got so excited. I was hoping I would have 6 or 8. That sounded like a GREAT number to me. 

The rest was really a blur.  I woke up in the recovery area and I don't remember much of what I said.  Apparently I gave everyone at least three hugs, but I only remember the last hug with each of them :-)
So...I asked how many eggs were retrieved.  I had probably already been told, but again...I only remember the last time.  I couldn't believe when they said (wait for it...wait for it) TWENTY SEVEN eggs!  WHAT? I fully realize that the majority of these will not be mature enough to use.  However, it certainly gives us more to work with.  Our chances are much better this way and a HUGE weight is lifted off our shoulders.

So, I asked the nurses to get my husband, but to please not tell him how many eggs were retrieved.  When he walked into recovery, I was crying like a baby with my face buried in my hands.  He immediately thought something was wrong (product of our past experiences with ttc).  When I told him we had 27 eggs, we both praised God and thanked Him for our abundant blessings. 

Now, for the funny part.  They wheeled me down while my husband got the car.  Well, he tried to get the car.  Apparently while we were in the office, the snow plows plowed the snow in a pile behind our car.  He tried for what seemed like 15 or 20 minutes to get out of the parking spot, but he wasn't going anywhere.  My nurse ran upstairs to see if she could find a scraper.  All of a sudden, I saw two men running from the side of the building toward the car.  They helped push our car out of the space.  The men came through the front door and only then did I realize that it was Dr. Simckes and another soon-to-be daddy, whose wife was upstairs.  They heard we were stuck and immediately came down to help.  This is TRULY a full-service office.  Dr. Simckes is our hero!

We talked at length on our way home about the loving, caring staff at FP.  Nikki, Jackie, Shawnie, Aaron, and Dr. S are all amazing.  I believe they truly care about us.  They want this to work for us.  Special thanks to everyone for making this one of the most memorable days we have ever had.  We look forward to seeing them again on Sunday.

Like a child at Christmas

We are staying in a hotel by Fertility Partnership tonight. They are calling for 6 inches of snow and we didn't want to take any chances. We are now curled up, watching the snow fall while watching American Idol. I feel so relaxed and centered right now.

I do, however, feel like a child waiting for Christmas morning. I just can't wait to see how many eggs we get tomorrow. I'll be honest...it would really help me to relax if I knew we had enough eggs to freeze some. It's like an insurance policy. I know that we will never do another IVF retrieval. This process has been hard on me...emotionally and physically. I'm not complaining at all. I'm thankful for the opportunity. It's just the reality of it. So, if we don't have frozen embryos and if the procedure should happen to be unsuccessful, we would really be done...for good. So, you can see why frozen embryos are important to us. (I still haven't perfected the "staying positive" thing.)

But, enough of that. It IS going to work, so it won't matter!! Then we will need those frozen embryos to grow our family later.

Thanks for all of the prayers and baby dust.

One more update...

We received a call from Fertility Partnership today asking if we could come up for an unscheduled ultrasound.  Apparently, Dr. Simckes had been reviewing our file today. Why? Because he is the best doctor EVER!  We already had our final ultrasound and we were scheduled for retrieval.  However, something made him look back through our file to make sure we were doing absolutely everything to maximize our chances.  Thank God for such a wise and loving doctor who wants nothing more than to make our baby dreams come true. 

Anyway, we went in for the ultrasound and Dr. S said he wants to wait one more day.  He looked carefully at my follicles and looked carefully through my file and determined that he believes he can get us more eggs/healther eggs if we wait until Thursday for retrieval.

As much as I would love for all of this to be over, I am SO thankful to know that I am not just a file in a drawer somewhere.  I am a person to Dr. Simckes.  I am not just a case or a patient.  I am a person who wants to have a baby.  He isn't prescribing the same doses of medication and the same retrieval timing for everyone (like some doctors).  He is truly immersed in our situation.  He wants us to be successful and I love him for that. 

So, one more day to pray.  One more day to prepare these eggs.  One more day get ready for the next 18 years :-)  Thanks, Dr. S and Fertility Partnership. 

God's Perfect Timing

As some of you know, I tend to be quite reflective.  I like to find a lesson in the peaks and valleys of my life.  Of course, I have been thinking quite a bit about the timing of our IVF journey.  I have spent so much time over the last 9 1/2 years wondering why we couldn't become parents.  Now, I have the clarity to really reflect upon why we will become parents NOW.  The timing is perfect.

People choose to get pregnant for a variety of reasons.  Of course, there are people who truly want to be parents.  Both the man and woman are on the same page and they are able to have a fabulous parenting partnership.  I have seen so many couples who get pregnant because they have been married for a couple of years and feel like it is simply the next thing to do.  Others get pregnant to save a dying marriage or for self-fulfillment.  We were basically in the same boat when we first started trying. We weren't ready to be parents. We didn't know it at the time, but we truly were not ready.  We would have made it work, but we wouldn't have been the type of parents that we will be at this point in our lives.  We have had the opportunity to create an amazing partnership together and define ourselves individually while growing closer to God in this journey. 

I just wonder what type of mother I would have been when we first started trying over 9 years ago.  I didn't know myself. I didn't have a clue what I wanted to be or who I wanted to be.  I have had the blessing over the years to really learn about myself.  I know what I want in terms of my career and education.  We have had the opportunity to create a true partnership in our marriage.  Most importantly, I have had the opportunity to grow spriritually. 

I am confident in God's timing.  My theme for our infertility used to be "I Will Praise You in this Storm" by Casting Crowns.  However, I now have the clarity to realize that it has not been a storm.  It has been a journey.  A necessary journey to get us to this point where we are who we need to be to be the best parents we can be.

GREAT appointment today...

We had an early morning appointment at Fertility Partnership this morning.  Dr. Simckes was pleased with the way my follicles were progressing.  We actually had TEN good sized follicles.  Because they are still growing, he is keeping me on meds today and tomorrow.  We are doing our trigger shot tomorrow night and we will have retrieval on Wednesday!  We are so excited.  So, it sounds like we may have more follicles (and hopefully more eggs) than originally anticipated.  I'm still holding out hope for some frozen embryos, but I will be happy with whatever we can get.

They are being very honest about the fact that we may not be able to do transfer this month.  Dr. S. will not do the transfer if there is any fluid in my uterus that may potentially keep the embryos from implanting.  I'm completely at peace with it.  My job right now is to make these healthy eggs.  Dr. S will let us know when the timing is right from there. 

PCOS patients are high risk for Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome (OHSS).  So, I've been placed on a strict diet until it is time for a pregnancy test (approximately 2 1/2 weeks.)  I can only drink G2 Gatorade (no soda, no juice, and DEFINITELY no water).  I am to eat low-carb/high protein meals.  So, we have basically purchased meat, veggies, and eggs for the next three weeks. 

I have had some discomfort and nausea the past few days, but I have been getting a lot of sleep.  Overall, I feel pretty good right now and I'm looking forward to this next week.

Sending baby dust and happy thoughts to the women who had their retrievals this week.  Lots of prayers to all of those soon-to-be mommies!

Countdown to Tuesday

Tuesday is the big day!  We appear to be back on track.  We have approximately 6 mature follicles.  Dr. Simckes is hoping to get two good embryos for transfer (although I will BEG him for three if we get three).  We are really excited about the opportunity to do the procedure this month. 

We have an ultrasound scheduled for Sunday morning at 7 am to confirm the Tuesday transfer!  I am SO excited.  I feel the same feelings you get a few days before a big vacation.  It feels like it will never get here.  We will update the blog over the next several days.

Thanks for following and thanks for the prayers!

Back on track...we think!

Well, today went much better.  It looks like we are back on track. My follicles are growing.  He said that there is one rogue follicle (measuring at a 17).  He hopes that the one rogue doesn't cause the others to suppress.  So, he is, as he says, "blasting my a**" with more medication.  I'm now going to be on 450 IUs of Follistim each day.  That is a lot of Follistim!  My lining looked much better (thanks to John at Community Acupuncture).

I was blessed to meet another IVF buddy in the waiting room.  She broke the silence by saying "I could fall asleep right now."  I thought it was completely appropriate since I feel like I could drift off to sleep at any given moment.  It's nice to meet people in the same boat! 

I am tired to the point where I can't actually feel the stress any more.  I don't have the energy to get worked up about everything, which I think is a very good thing.  I'll blame some of it on the meds and some of it on the emotional roller coaster.  

As always, thanks for listening!

Kind of a bad morning...

So, I went for my ultrasound and labs this morning and I left feeling a little discouraged.  First of all, the doctor said he found some "pre-pre-cancerous cells" in my uterus.  He acted like it wasn't that big of a deal and that we will need to revisit this issue at a later time.  He said that progesterone is the best line of defense.  So, since I'm getting ready to be pumped full of progesterone, he recommended that we proceed.

Then he said that I had "junk in my trunk."  Aparrently the D&C didn't clean out everything that needed to be cleaned out.  We may have to freeze any eggs/embryos that we get at the time of retrieval.

Believe me, I am fully aware that my doctor is going to try to give me the best possible results.  I'll do whatever he says.  However, it is a bit frustrating to hear that we may not be able to complete the process this month.  I feel like our lives have been on hold for so long.  I am so tired and I just want this to be over. 

I didn't feel like a crazy woman on all of these meds...until today.  Now we are increasing my meds (in some cases, doubling the amount) for the next week.  I feel like I just want to crawl up into a ball and sleep for days.  I'm weepy and tired and I have completely lost control of my emotions.  Plus, I swear my office is 1000 degrees right now. 

As for today, I am going to allow myself to be tired, frustrated, and a little sad.  I hope to wake up tomorrow with a renewed sense of hope.  As always, your prayers are greatly appreciated.

Quick Update

I had 21 follicles at my first ultrasound.  Everything is progressing so well!  Thankfully, Dr. Simckes said I could take some Tylenol PM, so I have actually been able to sleep for two nights straight.  I am adding a new injectable med tonight.  It is in powder form and has to be mixed with saline.  I'm a little nervous that I won't do it correctly, but I'm sure it will all be fine.

There is such a difference in my approach to ttc at this point in my life.  The first 9 years, I felt sorry for myself.  Every time I went to the doctor or injected myself with meds or had blood drawn, I felt sad and upset that I even had to do it in the first place. I would walk around with a heavy heart.  I would wonder why we had to go through this while others could get pregnant without really trying (and for free). I feel like my anger and sadness toward infertility somewhat sabotaged our chances back then. 

This time, I feel like it is truly a privilege to be able to do all of these things. I am energetic and excited about the entire process.  I never thought we would be able to do IVF and I am just trying to embrace every single minute of these few weeks.  I set my alarm clock this morning (Sunday) for my 6:15 injections.  5 or 6 years ago, I would have woken up angry and sullen.  I would have a "boo-hoo, woe is me" attitude as I fumble around with the needles before the sun came up.  Now I can jump out of bed and thank God for the opportunity to have this type of hope again. 

I am thankful, hopeful, and optimistic!  I am keeping positive as much as I possible can.

Moving right along!

So, I had the hysteroscopy/D&C yesterday.  Everything went really well.  I felt extremely tired yesterday afternoon (probably as a result of the anesthesia).  However, I only experienced minor pain/discomfort. 

Something changed in me after the procedure. I finally felt like I was truly ready to go. I am so excited to get the ball rolling.  I feel in control of everything for the first time in a long time.  I am such a nerd and I love the process of planning/organizing all of the appointments and meds.  Here is a picture of my "pharmacy."  I have taken over the top of my husband's dresser. 

Tomorrow is my first ultrasound/labs for this cycle.  I am looking forward to see some of the crew at Fertility Partnership.  As always, prayers are greatly appreciated.

A touch of raw emotion...

I didn't plan on writing all of this tonight.  However, I know there are other ttc couples out there reading this blog.  I thought I would share a bit of raw emotion in hopes that it may help to someday validate your feelings throughout this roller coaster.  Here goes...

I'm having a bit of a rough night, but I think it is passing.  I haven't been sleeping much lately.  My mind is buzzing with so many things and I just keep thinking about the weeks ahead.  For a while, I was just worried about missing an appointment or a medication.  Now, I'm getting that old familiar feeling of doubt and worry. 

Maybe I've set myself up for failure by being too positive about everything.  Honestly, right now at this very moment, I just don't think the IVF is going to work.  Maybe it is because I literally can no longer picture myself pregnant.  I used to always imagine myself with a pregnant belly or seeing that positive HPT for the first time.  I used to imagine how I would tell my friends and family.  I seriously can't imagine it any more.  I'm sure I'm just worked up about the fact that tomorrow (hysteroscopy/D&C) is really the starting point for this entire process.

I do have hope and faith, but my faith is not a blind faith that believes we always get what we want.  I believe that God always gives us an answer, but that sometimes His answer is "No."  I also believe that it is ok to be honest about our emotions when we are feeling doubt and worry and I always know that He is there with me no matter what the outcome.  I'm not having a spiritual crisis here.  My faith in God is unwavering, but my faith that this IVF is going to work is just a tad shaky at this moment.  (Please note that I have been uncharacteristically positive throughout the past several weeks and that my lapse in positive thinking tonight will most like replaced with happy thoughts tomorrow!)

I am allowing myself to get worked up over any little stress.  Instead of just dealing with it, I get anxious about the fact that I'm stressing in the first place.  Does that make sense?  I'm not actually stressing so much about the actual stressful situation.  I'm stressing over the fact that I am stressing, and I just want everything to be mellow and perfect for the next few weeks.  Too bad they don't perform IVF in a log cabin in the mountains.  I think that could work for me right now.

Well, early tomorrow morning I am guaranteed some sleep with a little help from an anesthesiologist.  For now, I'll try to get some rest the natural way.  Thanks for allowing me to share.

It's GO TIME!

The next two weeks are going to be an absolute blur!  We hope to enjoy every second of the journey and take it all in stride.  I must admit, I have spent most of my evening researching labor and delivery units at the local hospitals and looking at babynames.com.  I am remaining absolutely positive about the entire process and the expected results. 

I start my injections this week and I am scheduled for a hysteroscopy/D&C on Wednesday.  I am anxious and excited to get started on the most important two weeks of our lives. 

My biggest fear is that I will miss a medication.  There is so much to keep organized between the frequent labs, ultrasounds, and daily medications.  I have created a comprehensive IVF calendar and I think I'll be able to keep myself organized...with a lot of help from my husband and the staff at Fertility Partnership. 

Thank you for following along in our journey.  We would graciously accept any prayers our readers can offer!  Stay tuned in the following weeks as our IVF journey really takes off.