Yesterday I was so hurt and angry when someone stated that my doctor was "playing God" through this IVF process. I was so frustrated and I tried to really get myself to calm down.  Then I was angry at myself for allowing this person to upset me.  I have never judged how or when a person has chosen to expand their family.  If I had, I would certainly never tell them when they were in the middle of the most stressful two weeks of their life. 

Thankfully, I went to acupuncture last night and felt extremely centered when I left.  I couldn't believe the difference in myself from one hour to the next.  I was so thankful to feel the peace and calm that I wanted/needed at the moment.  Plus, I hadn't seen John (my acupuncturist) since before the retrieval, so it was fun to see how excited he was at the news of the 27 eggs and 8 frozen embryos.

I had a rough night on Tuesday.  I'm going to share because I know that some of the ttc women out there will relate.  We did the progesterone shot and then I just started crying.  I think part of it was the pain, but then I did what I like to call the Incredible Hulk.  It's as if my emotions just take over and I have no control of myself.  So, I went from the silent cry to the ugly cry in 1.2 seconds.  My husband asked what was wrong and hugged me.  I simply said, "I don't feel pregnant."  Ok, this was TWO DAYS after the transfer.  I realize this is ridiculous and that I shouldn't/wouldn't feel pregnant at this point.  I may not even be pregnant yet.  The embryos can take 1-5 days for implantation.

I'll admit, I've been a bit obsessed with pregnancy symptoms.  I was like this for the first 2-3 years we were ttc.  Am I more tired than usual?  Am I nauseous?  Was that a flutter?  I drove myself crazy.  Now I am back to my old ways.  Thankfully, I have seen more than my share of women online who do the same thing.  I keep reading things like, "I am 2 days past ovulation and I am craving waffles.  Is this is a sign of pregnancy?"  Or "I am 3 days past transfer and I have a runny nose, could this mean anything?"  It certainly helps to know that I am not the only one who does this.

I guess I always thought I would just know.  I have been so in touch with every cramp, every part of each cycle, etc.  I just assumed that there would be some magic moment as soon as I was pregnant where I would just know.  So, yes...it does scare me a bit to not feel anything at this point.  I realize I am only four days past transfer, but I just want to know. 

So, I'm going to let this be a teachable moment.  I want to enjoy every second of this process.  I am trying REALLY HARD not to wish these next two weeks away.  Two reasons:  1.) If I am pregnant, I sincerely want to cherish every single second of what may be my only pregnancy.  I want to enjoy the time and never wish it away.  2.) If I'm not pregnant, I don't want the dream to be over. I'm just not ready for that yet.  So, I am going to try to relax.  I'll try to enjoy this time and I will do whatever I can to stay positive and focused.