A touch of raw emotion...

I didn't plan on writing all of this tonight.  However, I know there are other ttc couples out there reading this blog.  I thought I would share a bit of raw emotion in hopes that it may help to someday validate your feelings throughout this roller coaster.  Here goes...

I'm having a bit of a rough night, but I think it is passing.  I haven't been sleeping much lately.  My mind is buzzing with so many things and I just keep thinking about the weeks ahead.  For a while, I was just worried about missing an appointment or a medication.  Now, I'm getting that old familiar feeling of doubt and worry. 

Maybe I've set myself up for failure by being too positive about everything.  Honestly, right now at this very moment, I just don't think the IVF is going to work.  Maybe it is because I literally can no longer picture myself pregnant.  I used to always imagine myself with a pregnant belly or seeing that positive HPT for the first time.  I used to imagine how I would tell my friends and family.  I seriously can't imagine it any more.  I'm sure I'm just worked up about the fact that tomorrow (hysteroscopy/D&C) is really the starting point for this entire process.

I do have hope and faith, but my faith is not a blind faith that believes we always get what we want.  I believe that God always gives us an answer, but that sometimes His answer is "No."  I also believe that it is ok to be honest about our emotions when we are feeling doubt and worry and I always know that He is there with me no matter what the outcome.  I'm not having a spiritual crisis here.  My faith in God is unwavering, but my faith that this IVF is going to work is just a tad shaky at this moment.  (Please note that I have been uncharacteristically positive throughout the past several weeks and that my lapse in positive thinking tonight will most like replaced with happy thoughts tomorrow!)

I am allowing myself to get worked up over any little stress.  Instead of just dealing with it, I get anxious about the fact that I'm stressing in the first place.  Does that make sense?  I'm not actually stressing so much about the actual stressful situation.  I'm stressing over the fact that I am stressing, and I just want everything to be mellow and perfect for the next few weeks.  Too bad they don't perform IVF in a log cabin in the mountains.  I think that could work for me right now.

Well, early tomorrow morning I am guaranteed some sleep with a little help from an anesthesiologist.  For now, I'll try to get some rest the natural way.  Thanks for allowing me to share.