I'm not going to get into all of the graphic details, but let's just say that I am physically not feeling well. I have lots of cramping and lots of bleeding and I really thought something was wrong. After googling my symptoms, I found information on things like "uterine hemorrhaging" (scary stuff) and started to freak out a bit. So, this morning I called the after-hours line for Fertility Partnership.
I felt bad calling and thought that maybe one of the medical assistants would pick up the phone. No, Dr. Simckes himself answered the phone and he sounded like he was genuinely happy to hear from me on a Saturday morning. He is truly the BEST DOCTOR EVER. Anyway, I explained my symptoms and he said that I might be having a chemical pregnancy. Here is some information from a website to explain:
Chemical pregnancies occur quite frequently following IVF. While they usually result from a chromosomally abnormal (aneuploid) embryo trying to implant, they can also be due to the uterine lining (for anatomical, immunologic or other reasons)being insufficiently receptive to allow healthy embryo implantation. Clearly, to the IVF patient, the diagnosis of a "chemical pregnancy" represents a severe disapointment. However its occurence provides clear evidence that at least one embryo reached the advanced preimplantation phase of development(the blastocyst stage), went on to "hatch" and attempted to implant. As such a "chemical pregnacy" can often be regarded as being a "dark cloud that has a silver lining".... because offers hope of a successful clinical pregnancy in the future.
So, he said to wait it out and that if it becomes significantly worse, we will have to meet at the hospital for a D&C. We aren't sure that this is what is occuring, but I'm glad to know that this is fairly normal and that there isn't something much worse happening. Of course, nothing can just be easy (wah wah).
In terms of how we are feeling emotionally, we are doing fairly well. Thank you to our awesome friends who invited us out last night and made us laugh for 3 hours. That is certainly the best medicine. Of course, we are still sad. At times, I allow myself to stop thinking about it. Then, out of nowhere, I will be overcome with grief for a while as I continue to mourn.
Here is the cycle of emotions I have had in the last 24 hours (in the order I experienced them):
1.) I felt like a failure. Why couldn't I keep these babies alive? What is wrong with me?
2.) Why would I ever do this again? I can't imagine risking those little embryos again.
3.) I am NOT a failure (thank you ES for the email!) I did absolutely everything I could. I took EVERY pill and administered EVERY shot on time. I drank the darn Gatorade. I ate the foods they said to eat. I strictly adhered to my bedrest. I avoided anything I read on any website that could be a potential problem. I worked hard to keep my stress level down. I went to acupuncture religiously. I prayed and prayed and prayed again. I did everything I could and I'm not going to allow myself to feel like a failure any more.
4.) I still don't understand why. I realize (thank you again, ES) that statistically it is more likely to have a failied IVF than for it to be successful. But, I still don't/won't understand why!
5.) I digressed into thinking that maybe I'm just not supposed to be a mom (tried hard to push those thoughts aside).
6.) Now...at this moment...I'm feeling alright emotionally (not physically). I'm going to spend some time with my family and try like mad to stay positive. I am allowing these meds to get out of my system. Once I feel better physically and once the meds are gone, I'll be in a better place to make decisions with my husband regarding next steps.
Thansk for your prayers. You are all wonderful!
No comments:
Post a Comment