Meeting with Dr. S

So, we met with Dr. Simckes yesterday.  We didn't know exactly what to expect.  I was armed with a list of questions. He took his time with us and answered all of our questions thoroughly.  Basically, he can't really say why the procedure didn't work.  He isn't 100% convinced that it didn't work.  There is still a chance that we had a miscarriage.  However, he is taking the blame for the other options.  He said that we should have maybe considered a "freeze-all" because of those pre-cancerous cells.  We found out about those cells so late in the cycle, so he thought we should progress.  Then when he saw the excellent egg quality, all signs pointed to completing the cycle. He was beating himself up about it.  He is much harder on himself than necessary.  But, that is because he truly cares.  He said he will feel like a failure until we get pregnant.  We absolutely love him and the rest of the staff.  How many doctors would take the blame for a procedure that only works 30% of the time?  Dr. Simckes is absolutely amazing. 

So, what are the next steps?  Well, he wants to get rid of these pre-cancerous cells before we proceed with anything else.  I will have a D&C scheduled in March.  He will biopsy the cells again and we will see if the progesterone from the January cycle helped at all.  It could take 6 months or so to get rid of the cells.  Once again, we are in a bit of a holding pattern.

Of course, I broke down in his office.  I just want to be finished with this process.  Like I said in a previous post, I haven't felt like the "infertile woman" in a long time.  Now that we are back in the game, I allow it to define me.  Six months ago, I was loving my career, working on my Ph.D., spending time with people I love, and feeling pretty good about life.  All of a sudden, the process of ttc takes over and I allow the rest to take a backseat. 

Everyone says it is worth it in the long-run.  But, that's only true if it works.  None of this is really worth it if we continue this emotional (and expensive) journey and still end up where we started.  I have put so much on hold over these past few years.  I know it may not look like it from the outside, but there are so many decisions I would have made differently if I knew we still wouldn't have a baby at this point.

Here is what I am going to TRY REALLY HARD to believe...
1.) When we become parents, it will be in God's perfect timing. 
2.) God wants us to have a family.  He has given us too many blessings/opportunities at the exact time we need them.
3.) When we become parents, we will be more patient, loving, thankful, excited and prepared than we would have been 10 years ago. 
4.) If we never become parents, we will survive.  I have a true partner in my husband.  He makes this journey work. 

If I have learned nothing else, I have learned that we can handle those things that we say, "I just couldn't handle it if..."  We are stronger than we think.  I'll be sure to keep in touch over the next 6 months.  Please pray that these cells will go away soon!

Thanks, Friend!

I was having lunch with a friend today.  She often surprises me with her ability to think critically about situations.  She will give a perspective that I never considered in a situation.  I am often jealous of her clarity of thought when examining a problem.

Well, today we talked a little about perspective.  I was explaining how I feel bad for feeling bad sometimes.  Does that make sense?  In other words, I've got a really good life.  I have a husband I adore, a job I love, friends I couldn't live without, a loving and supportive family, a roof over my head and a God who promises to love and forgive me even though I don't deserve it.  So, I admit, sometimes I am overwhelmed with guilt when I allow myself to be sad about our infertility. 

As I talked with my friend,  I said, "I feel terrible because this is the worst thing going on in my life and I'm letting it define me."  She said that we (people in general) get caught up in trying to find perspective in every situation.  We allow ourselves to think about the fact that other people have it worse than we do.  Then we start to feel guilty for ever feeling badly about our situation in the first place. 

Then, here's the good part, she said that it is OKAY for me to allow myself to feel bad.  I don't have to put everything into perspective.  Yes, someone else may be deathly ill, or someone's house may have just burned down, or someone may be going through a divorce, BUT that doesn't mean I have to feel guilty about allowing myself to feel bad right now.  She said people need to live in the moment...in their reality.  My reality is that we have just been through something very difficult.  I realize that it may not seem like much compared to the struggles some people go through.  She truly helped me to see that I do not always have to put things into perspective. It's ok to just own my feelings and work through it.  Thanks, friend!

The truth of the matter is that I feel really great.  At this point, in this moment, I do not need to feel badly about our situation.  I feel blessed and happy...right now.  However, I am thankful to my friend for teaching me that it is ok to have feelings.  It is ok to be sad or angry.  The true perspective is that I don't have to put everything into perspective.  I am thankful for our lunch chat and for a friend who has the guts to always say the difficult things.

Great Response to a Huffington Post Article

Some people have a difficult time understanding why people struggling with infertility are not a little more open about their situation.  It is difficult to comprehend until you are in the middle of it all.  Sometimes I feel crazy because I will be completely comfortable opening up to a perfect stranger.  Then I clam up around friends or family who might ask about our situation.  There is really no rhyme or reason to it, but I have decided that it is ok for me to feel that way. 

A woman wrote an interesting article in the Huffington Post.  I have attached a response that I found quite intriguing.  It somewhat sums up how I feel about sharing.  Basically, the woman in the response is saying that the onus is also on the listener.  Sometimes people struggling with infertility choose not to share because of the frustruation that comes from the often insensitive responses (or altogether lack of response) from the listener.  Just thought I would share.

Here is the original article in the Huffington Post: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dina-roth-port/infertility-the-disease-w_b_819978.html

Here is the response: http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2011/02/please-stop-telling-me-to-speak-about-infertility/

Turning the page...

I am happy to report that I believe I have turned the page on this January cycle.  I believe all of the meds are officially out of my system.  I am not having any pain or other physical symptoms.  As of today, I feel much more emotionally stable.  One might dare to say that I am back to my old self.

One of the very first things I wrote when I started this blog was, "We are not an infertile couple.  We are a happily married, constantly busy, fun-loving couple who just happens to be infertile."  However, for the past few months I have felt like the infertile couple again.  I allowed myself to forget the most imporant things...that we ARE an extremely happily married couple who loves to have fun and always stays busy.  I was immersed in infertility. Today, for the first time in a while, I no longer feel that way. 

So, what are we going to do?  Well, for starters, we are going to have a fantastic weekend.  We are spending time with friends tonight and enjoying a wonderful date night tomorrow.  We are going to start putting things back together and moving forward.  What are we going to do regarding infertility?  We do not know.  We are meeting with Dr. Simckes in a couple of weeks to debrief this cycle.  What went wrong?  Could anything have changed the outcome?  Where do we go from here? 

I love you all for your wonderful support.  I'll keep in touch as we decide what to do next.

Quick update

Well, this has been a rough week. I'm having a terrible week at work and I'm still quite emotional. Thankfully, I am in a selfish enough mood that I am able to not really care that much about ridiculous stuff at work. In the grand scheme of things in my life, I don't have the energy to let it affect me. I believe the medication is all out of my system, so now my body is adjusting. You would think that would be a good thing, but my hormones are naturally messed up, so now I am hitting a wall after going off progesterone.

Physically, I'm feeling much better. I am thankful for that. I hope to feel like myself before the weekend. We have a great weekend planned with friends and I hope to snap out of this funk.

Honestly, we still aren't sure what we will do next. We will meet with our Dr in the next few weeks to go over our January cycle and then we can make some decisions.

I am smack dab in the middle of a wah wah wah, feeling sorry for myself fest.  I really wish I could just feel better physically and possibly start to move on.  It's just a constant reminder of the fact that things just didn't work out for us.  I haven't really felt like myself in so long.  I am looking forward to the day when I wake up and feel like myself again. Then, and only then, can I really start the process of moving on.

I am sad for our friends and family who travelled this journey with us and whose hearts broke with ours last week.  I am sad every time I do something that I couldn't do when we were in the middle of our cycle (drinking caffeine, having a glass of wine, etc).  It's all just a constant reminder. 

I did clean up all of the medicine and put away all of the syringes.  I guess it might help to not have to pass by all of those things every day.  As of right now, my husband and I both feel like we need a change.  We need a project.  Do we redecorate a room of the house?  Our house is on the market, so that doesn't seem like a good use of our time.  Do we look for a new hobby?  Do we look for a new job?  I don't know.  At this point, I just feel like something needs to change.  All of my energy that was previously going toward IVF is now stagnant.  So, I'm not sure what we will decide, but I feel like change is definitely in our future.  I'll keep you posted!

Well, I'm not sure what to say today, but I thought I would try to write something.  We have been thankful to friends and family who have been keeping us busy over the past couple of days and we are looking forward to spending time with friends tonight as we watch the Superbowl. We are both extroverted, so we get our energy from other people.  We both feel better emotionally when we are surrounded by friends and family.  I even noticed last night that I didn't notice my cramping while I was out to dinner with my family.  So, I think returning to work tomorrow and keeping ourselves busy this week will be good. 

I'm a little senstive right now.  I do not want to read another facebook post about how frustrated these parents are to be home with their children during the recent snow days.  I do not want to hear another pregnant woman talk about how she would give anything for a glass of wine right now.  I don't want to hear another person talk about how life was easier before they had children. 

Of course, we haven't made any decisions regarding next steps. We are just going to take some time to heal.  Dr. Simckes wants to see us for a post-cycle interview.  We are going to review our file closely and I have a ton of questions to ask him.  My biggest concern right now is that when we last spoke on the phone, Dr. Simckes told me that everything seemed perfect with our cycle.  Our embryos were some of the best quality they have seen recently.  Everything appeared to be perfect.  So, I want to know why we should take the risk again.  What could possibly change to increase our chances?  If we can't get a good answer to that, I'm not sure we'll do a frozen embryo transfer. 

Anyway, for now...just taking it easy. Take care!

So, how are we doing?

I'm not going to get into all of the graphic details, but let's just say that I am physically not feeling well.  I have lots of cramping and lots of bleeding and I really thought something was wrong.  After googling my symptoms, I found information on things like "uterine hemorrhaging" (scary stuff) and started to freak out a bit.  So, this morning I called the after-hours line for Fertility Partnership.

I felt bad calling and thought that maybe one of the medical assistants would pick up the phone.  No, Dr. Simckes himself answered the phone and he sounded like he was genuinely happy to hear from me on a Saturday morning.  He is truly the BEST DOCTOR EVER.  Anyway, I explained my symptoms and he said that I might be having a chemical pregnancy.  Here is some information from a website to explain:

Chemical pregnancies occur quite frequently following IVF. While they usually result from a chromosomally abnormal (aneuploid) embryo trying to implant, they can also be due to the uterine lining (for anatomical, immunologic or other reasons)being insufficiently receptive to allow healthy embryo implantation. Clearly, to the IVF patient, the diagnosis of a "chemical pregnancy" represents a severe disapointment. However its occurence provides clear evidence that at least one embryo reached the advanced preimplantation phase of development(the blastocyst stage), went on to "hatch" and attempted to implant. As such a "chemical pregnacy" can often be regarded as being a "dark cloud that has a silver lining".... because offers hope of a successful clinical pregnancy in the future.
So, he said to wait it out and that if it becomes significantly worse, we will have to meet at the hospital for a D&C.  We aren't sure that this is what is occuring, but I'm glad to know that this is fairly normal and that there isn't something much worse happening.  Of course, nothing can just be easy (wah wah).

In terms of how we are feeling emotionally, we are doing fairly well.  Thank you to our awesome friends who invited us out last night and made us laugh for 3 hours.  That is certainly the best medicine.  Of course, we are still sad.  At times, I allow myself to stop thinking about it.  Then, out of nowhere, I will be overcome with grief for a while as I continue to mourn. 

Here is the cycle of emotions I have had in the last 24 hours (in the order I experienced them):
1.)  I felt like a failure.  Why couldn't I keep these babies alive?  What is wrong with me? 
2.)  Why would I ever do this again?  I can't imagine risking those little embryos again.
3.)  I am NOT a failure (thank you ES for the email!)  I did absolutely everything I could.  I took EVERY pill and administered EVERY shot on time.  I drank the darn Gatorade.  I ate the foods they said to eat.  I strictly adhered to my bedrest.  I avoided anything I read on any website that could be a potential problem. I worked hard to keep my stress level down.  I went to acupuncture religiously.  I prayed and prayed and prayed again.  I did everything I could and I'm not going to allow myself to feel like a failure any more.
4.) I still don't understand why.  I realize (thank you again, ES) that statistically it is more likely to have a failied IVF than for it to be successful.  But, I still don't/won't understand why! 
5.) I digressed into thinking that maybe I'm just not supposed to be a mom (tried hard to push those thoughts aside).
6.) Now...at this moment...I'm feeling alright emotionally (not physically).  I'm going to spend some time with my family and try like mad to stay positive.  I am allowing these meds to get out of my system.  Once I feel better physically and once the meds are gone, I'll be in a better place to make decisions with my husband regarding next steps.

Thansk for your prayers. You are all wonderful!

Beta results

Well, here us a little update since I haven't posted in a few days. On Wednesday, we had completely given up hope. Then, all of a sudden, I started to have some brown spotting. I called FP and they said it sounded like it might be implantation spotting. So, we allowed ourselves to get a little excited again. They said that brown blood is good and red blood is bad. We were quite hopeful.

Then, (sorry if TMI) it turned from brown to pink to red. I called FP again and my awesome nurse, Shawnie, said to calm down. It still sounded like implantation. However, she moved up my beta to today so that I could get the good news before the weekend and so I could calm down. I didn't tell my family and I was do excited that I might be able to surprise them a few days early with the results.

Well, Dr. Simckes called today, but the news wasn't good. My beta came back negative. He couldn't believe it. The embryos were excellent quality and everything looked so good. He said that all of the meds in my system may have made for a hostile environment. He encouraged us to try again soon.

I drove to my husband's work and texted him to come outside. I hated to have to tell him the bad news on what we thought might be the best day of our lives. I was actually doing alright until I saw him and knew I had to break his heart. We spent the rest of the afternoon calling friends and family who had prayed with us along the way.

Thank you to everyone who followed this journey. I will write more another time when this all sinks in. Prayers are still greatly appreciated.

Hey guys.  I just wanted to do a quick post before bed to let you all know that I do not know for sure that the IVF procedure didn't work.  My beta (blood test) isn't scheduled until Monday.  Thank you to my awesome friends and family who sent supportive and loving emails and texts today.  You know who you are. 

Yesterday was one of those days.  Quite honestly, I have read other IVF blogs where women completely give up hope before beta.  Sometimes you just feel like you know.  So, I am sorry if I upset anyone with my last post.  I don't want anyone to worry any more than necessary and there are so many of my friends and family who read this blog who WILL NOT find out the beta results via this blog.  So, until you hear from me on Monday, we will TRY really hard to hold on to a little hope.  Thank you to everyone for so much love an for following us on a very real and very emotional journey.

Well, I have officially given up.

Well, I am sad to say that I have officially given up on this IVF cycle.  What little symptoms I was having (which I attributed to meds) are now gone.  It is as if I am the opposite of pregnant.  My body is doing whatever it takes to show me that it just didn't work.  Worse than that, I just know in my heart and in my gut that it didn't work.

I guess I am kind of happy to know this early.  It would have been really difficult to find out on Monday and then have to tell everyone while nursing fresh wounds.  The reality of everything is settling in.

I was talking to a friend and explained that the worst part about this is that I feel so selfish for trying in the first place.  How awful to create these little babies and then not be able to keep them alive.  It really breaks my heart.  I talked to Fertility Partnership yesterday.  My nurse is wonderful and was very sweet.  She did say that I still need to go in for my beta on Monday to confirm.  Honestly, I wish this cycle was over.  This has taken up way too much of my life and I can't stand always waiting, waiting, waiting for the cycle to end.