Acupuncture is my new best friend...

So, I went to my first acupuncture appointment last night.  To be honest, I almost called to cancel.  Christmas is almost here and my "to-do" list is growing by the day.  I thought my time could be better used at the grocery store or mall finishing up some last minute holiday preparations.  I am so happy that I made myself get out of the car into the cold night to check it out.

My philosophy before the appointment was that I didn't know if acupuncture would help me, but I knew it wasn't going to hurt the IVF process.  My philosophy after the appointment is that it is definitely going to help.  As I've stated before, I'm pretty tightly wound.  I immerse myself into work, a busy social life, and I am currently working on my doctorate.  Needless to say, I allow myself to be stressed. 

I didn't know what to expect from the appointment.  I met with John at Community Acupuncture.  He works with fertility patients.  I was VERY impressed with his knowledge of the IVF process.  He knew the names of the medications.  He gave me pointers and tips that he has learned from his othe IVF clients.  He knew the schedule I would be keeping over the next month.  He was familiar with my doctor and the other IVF doctors in the area.  It was quite impressive and made me feel at ease. 

The actual acupunture procedure was AMAZING.  I went into a dimly lit room with some relaxing music in the background.  I reclined on a comfortable chair while John put the needles into my legs, arms, and head.  There was absolutely no pain or discomfort.  He put a heat lamp on my feet and left me there for approximately 45 minutes.  I fell into a deep sleep and felt extremely relaxed when he woke me.  I felt amazing when I got home (especially since my husband had dinner waiting for me!) and I plopped on the couch without a care in the world.   I was also excited about the fact that I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. Normally I have approximately 30 minutes of "to-do" lists in my head before I fall asleep.  Then I slept straight through the night.

Today I feel rested and relaxed.  I feel like I couldn't get worked up about anything if I tried.  I still have last minute shopping, gift wrapping, and food prep...but I don't mind.  I feel at peace and happy!

I'll be seeing John twice a week for the next several weeks and on the day of transfer.  I can't think of a better, more relaxing way to keep myself centered and focused during such a busy time.  Thank you to John and the staff at Community Acupuncture.  You'll be seeing more of me!

Shout Out to Fertility Partnership

Today I went for injection training at Fertility Partnership.  I just have to give a shout out to Jackie and Shawnie. They are both wonderful and make me feel like there is no such thing as a stupid question.  We are so thankful to Shawnie for figuring out how we could get into the January cycle.  We are thankful to both Shawnie and Jackie for answering all of our questions, taking the time to explain everything, and making us feel extremely comfortable with this entire process. 

Moving forward with IVF has been a HUGE decision for us.  We are so thankful to put our trust and our future into the hands of such capable and caring people.  We are praying that God will guide our doctor and the staff at Fertility Partnership to a positive pregnancy test soon!

Everything is going so fast!

My husband put me in contact with a friend of his who went through IVF last June.  She is now expecting twins. It was so wonderful to chat with her via email because it is rare to find someone who truly knows exactly what I am feeling.  She made a comment that really struck home with me.  She said:

"As 'intense' a process as IVF is, with daily shots and meds and blood draws, etc., etc., one of the best parts about it is that every day, you are actively doing something to get closer to your dream, and I kind of looked forward to every little step in that I really felt like I was 'doing' something."

I completely agree with her. Yesterday was a very busy day at work and there was ice on the roads when my husband picked me up to go home.  We had to drive out to the pharmacy that specializes in fertility medications.  It is quite far from our house.  Normally I would be upset and frustrated at the idea of working 11 hours, driving on ice-covered roads to get to a pharmacy, and then going home to cook dinner and prepare for the next day.  However, I was not frustrated last night.  I was thankful. 

Have I told you that I have control issues?  Well, I do.  I want/need to be in control of situations (which simply does not work well with infertility).  However, as my new acquaintance stated, IVF allows you to get a little of the control back.  It allows you to be actively doing something on a daily basis.  Every pill, every shot, every doctor's apointment, every ultrasound and every trip to the lab is a step closer to our dream.  I know that it is all going to be worth it!

Faith and Infertility

I've struggled a lot with my faith and spirituality throughout this infertility journey.  I had so many questions and none of them were answered.  Over nine years of infertility, a failed adoption, and several thousand dollars later, we were left with nothing.  Or, at least not the answer I wanted.  I've been a devout Christian my whole life and I couldn't wrap my brain around why/how God could let this happen.  All I wanted was for Kate to get pregnant and for me to become a father.

You would think that after more than nine years of trying to get pregnant, I would have the patience of a saint.  I know that God is not some genie in a magic lamp here to grant me wishes.  He has been so wonderful and generous in blessing me in my life.  I am so lucky and blessed for all that He's given me.   

I have come to realize that God has allowed us to go through these trials so that we may glorify Him, either through strengthening our faith in Him or serving as a positive resource for other couples struggling with similar issues.  While I am still somewhat impatient, I have never lost my faith in God and put my full trust in Him as we go forward with the IVF procedure.  Whatever the outcome, I know that God has us in His hands.

Moving Right Along...

Yesterday was a very good day.  We received the protocol and lab orders from the doctor. Everything is finally starting to feel so real.  It looks like we will be very busy in January. I have lots of medications to take, several ultrasounds and labs, plus the actual procedure.  It's all very exciting!

We also found out that one of the most expensive medications (estimated at $3100) will be partially covered by our insurance.  It should only be around $370 per unit.  I'm not sure how many I am going to need, but it's not going to be $3100.  So, that's good news!

In other news, we tried to do a natural body cleanse this week.  Our goal was to eat only fresh fruits and vegetables.  We were trying to rid ourselves of any toxins in our bodies while also giving ourselves the peace of mind that we had tried everything we could.  Well, we were not getting any peace of mind from the process...only two empty stomachs and a couple of grouchy people!  After two meals of completely dry salads, we essentially stopped the body cleanse.  We are still eating healthier (mainly because we loaded up our house with tons of fruits and veggies in preparation for the body cleanse).  However, we are not adhering to the original rules of the cleanse.  Oh well!  We tried (sort of).

I scheduled an acupuncture visit for next week.  This group has a person who specializes in fertility acupuncture.  Here is my take on acupucture.  Is it going to help?  Maybe not.  Is it going to hurt/hinder the process?  Definitely not.  So, why not give it a try.  I have read on discussion boards and websites that lots of IVF patients do acupuncture.  So, we'll see. At this point, I'm just doing whatever I can to give myself the peace of mind and peace of spirit that comes from knowing we are doing everything we can.  Well, except for eating those dry salads <smile>. 

So, we are feeling pretty good right now.  We are both very positive and excited!  You would think we might have learned some patience over these past 10 years, but we are both anxiously awaiting the beginning of February!

Top 10 Things Heard By Couples With Infertility...

10.) You have been married that long and you don't have any kids?  Good for you! 
9.)  Maybe you guys should get a dog.  Then you'll have something to take care of. 
8.)  Don't you want to give your mother a grandchild?
7.)  It's great that you guys can just pack up and go whenever you want.
6.)  I'm sorry to hear that.  You can take one of mine (wink). 
5.)  I know how you must feel.  It took us three months to get pregnant. 
4.)  Oh, you can't have children?  Is it because of you or because of him?
3.)  Maybe you just need to relax.
2.)  I think it's great that you have decided to put your career before a family.
1.)  My friends adopted and then they got pregnant!  You should try that.

We have heard it all, my friends.  We have heard it all!

Christmas Gift

Jack and I bought ourselves a fantastic Christmas gift today.  We paid our deposit and secured a spot in the January IVF.  I can't think of a better way to start the new year!  At first we thought January was too soon, but what are we waiting for?  We have waited almost 10 years already.

I'm a realist.  My strongest defense mechanism has always been to prepare for the worst.  I usually have a plan B...and I usually have a plan C in case plan B doesn't work.  Instead of preparing for the worst this time, I have made the decision (thanks to a wise and spiritual co-worker) to prepare for the best!  I have decided to visualize a positive pregnancy test.  I'm visualizing what our lives will be like when this IVF works.  We don't have a plan B.  We are faithful and positive and hopeful for the first time in a long time. 

A Man's Perspective

It is very simple - men feel this innate responsibility to provide for our families and protect those we love from even one ounce of pain.  If we fail to do that, then we feel we've failed in life. 

The past ten years have been very frustrating for me as I felt that I have failed Kate in providing for her need to be a mother, and I've watched as she also endures the pain of infertility.  It just doesn't seem fair!  I feel like Kate and I are two loving, caring, responsible adults who want nothing more in life than to love and care for a baby.  Why does it have to be so hard? 

As a boy, when I thought of how I wanted my life to play out, I never dreamed that I would be in this situation.  I laugh when I hear younger couples talk about their life plans - "in two years we'll buy a house, then one year later we'll get pregnant and after that we'll adopt a puppy."  If only it were that easy.  Well, for some people, it is.  I hate that I am denied something that seems to come so naturally for everyone else. 

I was a little nervous when the doctor mentioned IVF as our next step.  It seems like a fool-proof way to get pregnant, but the success rates are lower than what I expected.  It differs for every couple, but it looks like we have a 50-60% chance of conceiving a child, given our issues.  Those aren't bad odds, but considering the emotional and financial investment, obviously you would rather be assured that it is going to work. 

I'll be honest - sometimes I find myself extremely excited one minute and completely reluctant the next.  I talk in circles trying to rationalize whether IVF is worth the risk.  However, I've decided it's not worth it to take an even bigger risk that I might be eighty-years-old, looking back on my life, wondering "what if"? 

So, here we go...

How did we get here?

How did we get to this point?  I remember the exact day we decided it was time to start trying to have a baby.  We knew we wouldn't wait long after we got married, but we weren't exactly sure when we would be ready to start.  We were only married for 7 or 8 weeks when we had a little scare and thought we might be pregnant.  We decided to swing by the pharmacy after church to get a pregnancy test.  Jack was SO quiet the entire morning and I wasn't sure what he was thinking.  We walked in the door and I ran to the bathroom.  The test was negative.  I came out and told Jack the news.  I thought he would be relieved, but his face immediately turned to disappointment.  That's the exact moment I knew we were ready.  That was 9 1/2 years ago.

After about 6 months of trying, we decided to see a doctor.  Long story short...we visited 5 or 6 doctors, went through lots of testing, took many medications, and tried three rounds of Intrauterine Insemination (IUI) before deciding it just wasn't going to happen for us. 

That takes us up to 2006.  In 2006, we decided to adopt two beautiful little boys. Again, long story short...after approximately 3 months, the boys' aunt picked them up for a visit (open adoption) and never brought them back.  We received a letter in our mailbox that stated they were "sorry for any inconvenience."  Our hearts and our lives were shattered. 

The worst part is that before the failed adoption, we had really come to terms with our infertility.  I truly believe we would have been just fine if we had gone the rest of our lives without a biological child.  That situation rocked us to the foundation and made us realize that the gamble of infertility treatments could potentially be less emotionally and financially draining than the gamble of adoption. 

To be quite honest, it has taken us since 2006 to decide what to do next.  We have prayerfully considered many options.  We NEVER thougt IVF would be a possibility for us.  We read about the costs, success rates, etc.  It just didn't seem to be a viable option.  However, in September/October of this year, that old familiar feeling started creeping back.  It was never really gone, but it began to consume me once again.  I wanted to have a baby.  I wanted to be pregnant.  I wanted to be able to say that we had tried EVERYTHING possible.

We met with Dr. Simckes at the Fertility Partnership and our entire outlook changed.  We felt more hope and excitement than we dared to feel for quite some time.  We had a new goal, a new plan, a new purpose.  We were going to be able to say that we didn't let fear get in the way of our dreams.

There will be times throughout this blog where you will see raw, honest emotion.  This is going to be one of those times.  I am absolutely scared to death.  Even as I write this, I feel the anxiety creeping up in my chest and into my throat.  I just keep saying, "This IVF has to work, right?  We have to catch a break at some point, right?"  We have one chance...one shot at this.  I honestly do not know if we will catch a break.  There is no way to know if this will work.  But, at least we'll be able to say we tried. 

Introductions

For the sake of this blog, we are going to call ourselves Jack and Kate.  As one might imagine, the infertility journey tends to be a public struggle through a very private experience.  So, although we are happy to share our feelings, we would like to maintain a sense of anonymity. 

Let us first tell you a little about ourselves.  We are not an infertile couple.  We are a happily married, constantly busy, fun-loving couple who just happens to be infertile.  We have been struggling with infertility for almost ten years.  We just assumed that we would decide when we wanted to start a family, and that it would just happen easily, right?  Well, here we are...10 years, a million tears, and a small fortune later - still no baby.

I, Kate, am a planner.  I have a list, binder, spreadsheet, or file for everything in my life.  I am goal-oriented and focused.  I usually tackle struggles in life by making a goal, making a plan, and working hard to achieve my goal.  My personality does not fit well into the loss of control that comes with infertility.

Jack is emotional, sensitive, and loving.  He has said, "The only thing in the world that I want more than being a dad is to give you the opportunity to go through the experience of being pregnant."  He is not passively observing this process from the sidelines.  He is actively engaged in the decisions, heartache and struggles.  He hopes that this blog can serve as a resource to other men who are facing the same challenges. 

Between the two of us, we have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), low sperm count, motility issues, a partially blocked tube, and an oddly shaped uterus.  So, the odds are definitely stacked against us. 

We have made the exciting (and scary) decision to move forward with In Vitro Fertilization (IVF).  We hope you will join us as we blog this journey in hopes that we can help other couples struggling with the same issues.  Thank you!