Today=OBSESSED!

I don't know what happened from yesterday to today, but my outlook changed drastically.  I woke up feeling so discouraged.  I didn't want to get out of bed.  I prayed for a long time and asked God to give us a sign.  I spent most of the day just curled up in a blanket on the couch.  I took a 90 minute nap.  And...I Googled pregnancy symptoms in the meantime.

I'm not good with surprises.   I like to know exactly how things are going to pan out.  I went grocery shopping today and I stood by the pregnancy tests asking for the strength to not buy one.  I didn't.  I was kind of proud of myself.  I know that a negative test wouldn't make me feel any worse because I would know that it was really early and didn't mean much.  But, a positive test would definitely make me feel better.  Oh well!  Praying for strength and patience. 

We wait...and wait...and wait!

So, I'm doing a pretty good job of not obsessing today.  I realized that I could basically enter anything into a Google search.  Somewhere, at some point, some woman has had that symptom.  It's driving me crazy, so I'm stepping away from the Google.

The truth is, I think this waiting is just a part of the lesson we are supposed to learn from these years of working toward having a baby.  Aren't we going to need this patience we are building over the next 18 years as we raise a child into a productive member of society?

I am REALLY trying, but I'm definitely not perfect.  I had another mini-breakdown last night.  We did my evening shots and then I just started crying again.  Ok, I wasn't just crying.  It was a definite flood of emotion.  It's funny how my attitude changes from hour-to-hour, even minute-to-minute.  Somethimes (like right now), I'm completely fine and I feel like this next week will be a breeze.  Other times (last night) I just wanted to know.  I'm still praying for violent morning sickness, but it's just not happening. 

We are going out tonight, so I think today is going to be a great day.  We did look at a bigger vehicle today (just in case we have twins).  As always, we are hopeful and excited.  I'll check back soon, friends!

Yesterday I was so hurt and angry when someone stated that my doctor was "playing God" through this IVF process. I was so frustrated and I tried to really get myself to calm down.  Then I was angry at myself for allowing this person to upset me.  I have never judged how or when a person has chosen to expand their family.  If I had, I would certainly never tell them when they were in the middle of the most stressful two weeks of their life. 

Thankfully, I went to acupuncture last night and felt extremely centered when I left.  I couldn't believe the difference in myself from one hour to the next.  I was so thankful to feel the peace and calm that I wanted/needed at the moment.  Plus, I hadn't seen John (my acupuncturist) since before the retrieval, so it was fun to see how excited he was at the news of the 27 eggs and 8 frozen embryos.

I had a rough night on Tuesday.  I'm going to share because I know that some of the ttc women out there will relate.  We did the progesterone shot and then I just started crying.  I think part of it was the pain, but then I did what I like to call the Incredible Hulk.  It's as if my emotions just take over and I have no control of myself.  So, I went from the silent cry to the ugly cry in 1.2 seconds.  My husband asked what was wrong and hugged me.  I simply said, "I don't feel pregnant."  Ok, this was TWO DAYS after the transfer.  I realize this is ridiculous and that I shouldn't/wouldn't feel pregnant at this point.  I may not even be pregnant yet.  The embryos can take 1-5 days for implantation.

I'll admit, I've been a bit obsessed with pregnancy symptoms.  I was like this for the first 2-3 years we were ttc.  Am I more tired than usual?  Am I nauseous?  Was that a flutter?  I drove myself crazy.  Now I am back to my old ways.  Thankfully, I have seen more than my share of women online who do the same thing.  I keep reading things like, "I am 2 days past ovulation and I am craving waffles.  Is this is a sign of pregnancy?"  Or "I am 3 days past transfer and I have a runny nose, could this mean anything?"  It certainly helps to know that I am not the only one who does this.

I guess I always thought I would just know.  I have been so in touch with every cramp, every part of each cycle, etc.  I just assumed that there would be some magic moment as soon as I was pregnant where I would just know.  So, yes...it does scare me a bit to not feel anything at this point.  I realize I am only four days past transfer, but I just want to know. 

So, I'm going to let this be a teachable moment.  I want to enjoy every second of this process.  I am trying REALLY HARD not to wish these next two weeks away.  Two reasons:  1.) If I am pregnant, I sincerely want to cherish every single second of what may be my only pregnancy.  I want to enjoy the time and never wish it away.  2.) If I'm not pregnant, I don't want the dream to be over. I'm just not ready for that yet.  So, I am going to try to relax.  I'll try to enjoy this time and I will do whatever I can to stay positive and focused. 

Last night was AMAZING!

We arrived at Fertility Partnership around 10:30 last night.  We were surprisingly calm.  Upon arrival, Aaron came out from the lab to show us pictures of our perfect little embryos and to give us the grades. Our first baby was graded at an A- and our second baby was a B+.  Aaron was extremely optimistic and said he felt very good about the egg quality.  He then explained that 8 of our other embryos were frozen and that they were all A-, B+, or B quality.  GREAT NEWS.  There are still 4 embryos he is working to freeze.  We will find out about them in the next day or two.

I put on my hospital gown and relaxed in bed as I watched a little How I Met Your Mother.  Doc's plane landed safely and he made it on time.  From there, everything went very quickly.  I was moved to the procedure room.  Doctor Simckes came in and chatted a bit.  Aaron brought in the embryos and they were placed gently into the perfect spot in my uterus.

So, they stood me up, let me go to the bathroom (because the procedure has to be done with a full bladder) and then I got dressed.  Before we left, Nikki handed me an envelope with the lab orders for my pregnancy test (no home pregnancy tests allowed because the medications can cause a false positive).  Dr. Simckes gave us our first ultrasound picture.

He placed a heart over the spot where the two little embryos were resting!
As we took the elevator downstairs, my husband and I just stared at each other with astonishment and excitement.  Nothing went wrong.  Everything was perfect.  We still have healthy embryos left to grow our family later. 

I am on bed rest for the next two days.  I plan to do absolutely nothing.  My overly organized self has already cooked meals for the entire week.  For now, I'm cuddled up on the couch wathing "A Baby Story" on TLC. 

As always, your continued prayers are appreciated. 

Patience is truly a virtue! The story of my Sunday...

We woke up around 7:30 this morning.  I didn't know how I would possibly make it to 10 pm!  I was already so excited and nervous.  I just couldn't wait for 10 o'clock to get here.  For the most part, I have stayed fairly centered today.  I have had moments of nervousness, but mostly just pure excitement. 

Well, we went upstairs this evening to administer my evening shots.  By the way...I'm trying really hard not to complain because I know that this entire process is a blessing and a wonderful opportunity.  I'm just being honest for the other ttc women out there reading this blog.  This Progesterone in Oil shot is a KILLER! First of all, my awesome husband has to administer it.  Poor thing.  Secondly, it's a HUGE needle.  I think they said it was a 22 gauge needle.  Can that be right?  Thirdly, it leaves me feeling like I went to kickboxing class.  We rotate from left cheek to right cheek nightly (and, no, I'm not talking about my face).  I've tried all of the tricks I've read from other blogs.  The kicker is that I have to do this one for 12 weeks.  YIPPEE!  (disclaimer: I will gladly do whatever it takes to get pregnant, so PLEASE do not think I am being ungrateful.)

Anywho...I finished my evening shots and we both had missed calls on our cell phones.  It was Tammy from Fertility Partnership saying that Dr. Simckes's flight was delayed because of the weather and that they wanted us there at 11 pm instead.  My first thought was that I wanted Dr. S to be safe.  My second thought was that I can't possibly wait another hour without going crazy.  Isn't that funny?  We have waited over 9 years, and I am freaking out over one hour?  That thought was fleeting.  My third thought (which was later reiterated by a great friend!) was "one more hour to pray."  So, I am going to take my time getting ready to leave and I am going to pray as much as I possibly can.  I just can't wait to be near that little petri dish of possibility!

Also, I was reading some articles on Giuliana and Bill.  Do other ttc women watch this show?  It's awesome!  They went through two rounds of IVF and they allowed the cameras to be there every step of the way.  Anyway, one article said that Giuliana had to take 63 shots in one month.  So, this made me want to count up my shots.  The final number for January (unless they add something in the meantime)...NINETY-EIGHT!  Whew!  No wonder it looks like my husband punches me in the gut when I sleep. 

So, for now we beg for your prayers and thank you for your continued support!  What are you doing tonight?  I'm going to become a mommy!

WOOHOO!

We just got a call from Fertility Partnership.  18 eggs were injected and 14 fertilized!!  That is such great news.  Now they will grade them (A, A-, B+, etc) and we will use the best two eggs on Sunday.  I couldn't be more pleased with the outcome!

Plus, I was really excited that they called my husband's cell phone to give him the news.  He normally has to hear everything second-hand through me.  This was a very exciting call for him to receive and I am thankful he was able to experience the thrill of getting some good news!  Thanks to everyone for your continued prayers.

We are scheduled for a 10 pm transfer on Sunday evening.  What a dedicated staff to give up their Sunday evening for us and then show up on Monday to help other patients.  I just can't get over how amazing they are! 

As for today, I am getting some much needed rest.  I'll check back soon.

PRAISE GOD! The hard part is over...

Well, today was quite eventful.  It started with the most restless night of sleep.  I was so excited and anxious to get to Fertility Partnership.  I kept looking outside our hotel window to see the snow falling steadily.  I just couldn't wait to clear the 8 inches of snow off our car and just get there safely.

Doctor Simckes and the staff were all there, bright and cheery and safe.  So, Jackie got me prepped and ready to go.  I talked to my ovaries and told them that we needed lots of eggs.  The anesthesiologist heard me and said, "How many eggs are you expecting?"  Shawnie said, "Maybe 6 or 8."  I got so excited. I was hoping I would have 6 or 8. That sounded like a GREAT number to me. 

The rest was really a blur.  I woke up in the recovery area and I don't remember much of what I said.  Apparently I gave everyone at least three hugs, but I only remember the last hug with each of them :-)
So...I asked how many eggs were retrieved.  I had probably already been told, but again...I only remember the last time.  I couldn't believe when they said (wait for it...wait for it) TWENTY SEVEN eggs!  WHAT? I fully realize that the majority of these will not be mature enough to use.  However, it certainly gives us more to work with.  Our chances are much better this way and a HUGE weight is lifted off our shoulders.

So, I asked the nurses to get my husband, but to please not tell him how many eggs were retrieved.  When he walked into recovery, I was crying like a baby with my face buried in my hands.  He immediately thought something was wrong (product of our past experiences with ttc).  When I told him we had 27 eggs, we both praised God and thanked Him for our abundant blessings. 

Now, for the funny part.  They wheeled me down while my husband got the car.  Well, he tried to get the car.  Apparently while we were in the office, the snow plows plowed the snow in a pile behind our car.  He tried for what seemed like 15 or 20 minutes to get out of the parking spot, but he wasn't going anywhere.  My nurse ran upstairs to see if she could find a scraper.  All of a sudden, I saw two men running from the side of the building toward the car.  They helped push our car out of the space.  The men came through the front door and only then did I realize that it was Dr. Simckes and another soon-to-be daddy, whose wife was upstairs.  They heard we were stuck and immediately came down to help.  This is TRULY a full-service office.  Dr. Simckes is our hero!

We talked at length on our way home about the loving, caring staff at FP.  Nikki, Jackie, Shawnie, Aaron, and Dr. S are all amazing.  I believe they truly care about us.  They want this to work for us.  Special thanks to everyone for making this one of the most memorable days we have ever had.  We look forward to seeing them again on Sunday.

Like a child at Christmas

We are staying in a hotel by Fertility Partnership tonight. They are calling for 6 inches of snow and we didn't want to take any chances. We are now curled up, watching the snow fall while watching American Idol. I feel so relaxed and centered right now.

I do, however, feel like a child waiting for Christmas morning. I just can't wait to see how many eggs we get tomorrow. I'll be honest...it would really help me to relax if I knew we had enough eggs to freeze some. It's like an insurance policy. I know that we will never do another IVF retrieval. This process has been hard on me...emotionally and physically. I'm not complaining at all. I'm thankful for the opportunity. It's just the reality of it. So, if we don't have frozen embryos and if the procedure should happen to be unsuccessful, we would really be done...for good. So, you can see why frozen embryos are important to us. (I still haven't perfected the "staying positive" thing.)

But, enough of that. It IS going to work, so it won't matter!! Then we will need those frozen embryos to grow our family later.

Thanks for all of the prayers and baby dust.

One more update...

We received a call from Fertility Partnership today asking if we could come up for an unscheduled ultrasound.  Apparently, Dr. Simckes had been reviewing our file today. Why? Because he is the best doctor EVER!  We already had our final ultrasound and we were scheduled for retrieval.  However, something made him look back through our file to make sure we were doing absolutely everything to maximize our chances.  Thank God for such a wise and loving doctor who wants nothing more than to make our baby dreams come true. 

Anyway, we went in for the ultrasound and Dr. S said he wants to wait one more day.  He looked carefully at my follicles and looked carefully through my file and determined that he believes he can get us more eggs/healther eggs if we wait until Thursday for retrieval.

As much as I would love for all of this to be over, I am SO thankful to know that I am not just a file in a drawer somewhere.  I am a person to Dr. Simckes.  I am not just a case or a patient.  I am a person who wants to have a baby.  He isn't prescribing the same doses of medication and the same retrieval timing for everyone (like some doctors).  He is truly immersed in our situation.  He wants us to be successful and I love him for that. 

So, one more day to pray.  One more day to prepare these eggs.  One more day get ready for the next 18 years :-)  Thanks, Dr. S and Fertility Partnership. 

God's Perfect Timing

As some of you know, I tend to be quite reflective.  I like to find a lesson in the peaks and valleys of my life.  Of course, I have been thinking quite a bit about the timing of our IVF journey.  I have spent so much time over the last 9 1/2 years wondering why we couldn't become parents.  Now, I have the clarity to really reflect upon why we will become parents NOW.  The timing is perfect.

People choose to get pregnant for a variety of reasons.  Of course, there are people who truly want to be parents.  Both the man and woman are on the same page and they are able to have a fabulous parenting partnership.  I have seen so many couples who get pregnant because they have been married for a couple of years and feel like it is simply the next thing to do.  Others get pregnant to save a dying marriage or for self-fulfillment.  We were basically in the same boat when we first started trying. We weren't ready to be parents. We didn't know it at the time, but we truly were not ready.  We would have made it work, but we wouldn't have been the type of parents that we will be at this point in our lives.  We have had the opportunity to create an amazing partnership together and define ourselves individually while growing closer to God in this journey. 

I just wonder what type of mother I would have been when we first started trying over 9 years ago.  I didn't know myself. I didn't have a clue what I wanted to be or who I wanted to be.  I have had the blessing over the years to really learn about myself.  I know what I want in terms of my career and education.  We have had the opportunity to create a true partnership in our marriage.  Most importantly, I have had the opportunity to grow spriritually. 

I am confident in God's timing.  My theme for our infertility used to be "I Will Praise You in this Storm" by Casting Crowns.  However, I now have the clarity to realize that it has not been a storm.  It has been a journey.  A necessary journey to get us to this point where we are who we need to be to be the best parents we can be.

GREAT appointment today...

We had an early morning appointment at Fertility Partnership this morning.  Dr. Simckes was pleased with the way my follicles were progressing.  We actually had TEN good sized follicles.  Because they are still growing, he is keeping me on meds today and tomorrow.  We are doing our trigger shot tomorrow night and we will have retrieval on Wednesday!  We are so excited.  So, it sounds like we may have more follicles (and hopefully more eggs) than originally anticipated.  I'm still holding out hope for some frozen embryos, but I will be happy with whatever we can get.

They are being very honest about the fact that we may not be able to do transfer this month.  Dr. S. will not do the transfer if there is any fluid in my uterus that may potentially keep the embryos from implanting.  I'm completely at peace with it.  My job right now is to make these healthy eggs.  Dr. S will let us know when the timing is right from there. 

PCOS patients are high risk for Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome (OHSS).  So, I've been placed on a strict diet until it is time for a pregnancy test (approximately 2 1/2 weeks.)  I can only drink G2 Gatorade (no soda, no juice, and DEFINITELY no water).  I am to eat low-carb/high protein meals.  So, we have basically purchased meat, veggies, and eggs for the next three weeks. 

I have had some discomfort and nausea the past few days, but I have been getting a lot of sleep.  Overall, I feel pretty good right now and I'm looking forward to this next week.

Sending baby dust and happy thoughts to the women who had their retrievals this week.  Lots of prayers to all of those soon-to-be mommies!

Countdown to Tuesday

Tuesday is the big day!  We appear to be back on track.  We have approximately 6 mature follicles.  Dr. Simckes is hoping to get two good embryos for transfer (although I will BEG him for three if we get three).  We are really excited about the opportunity to do the procedure this month. 

We have an ultrasound scheduled for Sunday morning at 7 am to confirm the Tuesday transfer!  I am SO excited.  I feel the same feelings you get a few days before a big vacation.  It feels like it will never get here.  We will update the blog over the next several days.

Thanks for following and thanks for the prayers!

Back on track...we think!

Well, today went much better.  It looks like we are back on track. My follicles are growing.  He said that there is one rogue follicle (measuring at a 17).  He hopes that the one rogue doesn't cause the others to suppress.  So, he is, as he says, "blasting my a**" with more medication.  I'm now going to be on 450 IUs of Follistim each day.  That is a lot of Follistim!  My lining looked much better (thanks to John at Community Acupuncture).

I was blessed to meet another IVF buddy in the waiting room.  She broke the silence by saying "I could fall asleep right now."  I thought it was completely appropriate since I feel like I could drift off to sleep at any given moment.  It's nice to meet people in the same boat! 

I am tired to the point where I can't actually feel the stress any more.  I don't have the energy to get worked up about everything, which I think is a very good thing.  I'll blame some of it on the meds and some of it on the emotional roller coaster.  

As always, thanks for listening!

Kind of a bad morning...

So, I went for my ultrasound and labs this morning and I left feeling a little discouraged.  First of all, the doctor said he found some "pre-pre-cancerous cells" in my uterus.  He acted like it wasn't that big of a deal and that we will need to revisit this issue at a later time.  He said that progesterone is the best line of defense.  So, since I'm getting ready to be pumped full of progesterone, he recommended that we proceed.

Then he said that I had "junk in my trunk."  Aparrently the D&C didn't clean out everything that needed to be cleaned out.  We may have to freeze any eggs/embryos that we get at the time of retrieval.

Believe me, I am fully aware that my doctor is going to try to give me the best possible results.  I'll do whatever he says.  However, it is a bit frustrating to hear that we may not be able to complete the process this month.  I feel like our lives have been on hold for so long.  I am so tired and I just want this to be over. 

I didn't feel like a crazy woman on all of these meds...until today.  Now we are increasing my meds (in some cases, doubling the amount) for the next week.  I feel like I just want to crawl up into a ball and sleep for days.  I'm weepy and tired and I have completely lost control of my emotions.  Plus, I swear my office is 1000 degrees right now. 

As for today, I am going to allow myself to be tired, frustrated, and a little sad.  I hope to wake up tomorrow with a renewed sense of hope.  As always, your prayers are greatly appreciated.

Quick Update

I had 21 follicles at my first ultrasound.  Everything is progressing so well!  Thankfully, Dr. Simckes said I could take some Tylenol PM, so I have actually been able to sleep for two nights straight.  I am adding a new injectable med tonight.  It is in powder form and has to be mixed with saline.  I'm a little nervous that I won't do it correctly, but I'm sure it will all be fine.

There is such a difference in my approach to ttc at this point in my life.  The first 9 years, I felt sorry for myself.  Every time I went to the doctor or injected myself with meds or had blood drawn, I felt sad and upset that I even had to do it in the first place. I would walk around with a heavy heart.  I would wonder why we had to go through this while others could get pregnant without really trying (and for free). I feel like my anger and sadness toward infertility somewhat sabotaged our chances back then. 

This time, I feel like it is truly a privilege to be able to do all of these things. I am energetic and excited about the entire process.  I never thought we would be able to do IVF and I am just trying to embrace every single minute of these few weeks.  I set my alarm clock this morning (Sunday) for my 6:15 injections.  5 or 6 years ago, I would have woken up angry and sullen.  I would have a "boo-hoo, woe is me" attitude as I fumble around with the needles before the sun came up.  Now I can jump out of bed and thank God for the opportunity to have this type of hope again. 

I am thankful, hopeful, and optimistic!  I am keeping positive as much as I possible can.

Moving right along!

So, I had the hysteroscopy/D&C yesterday.  Everything went really well.  I felt extremely tired yesterday afternoon (probably as a result of the anesthesia).  However, I only experienced minor pain/discomfort. 

Something changed in me after the procedure. I finally felt like I was truly ready to go. I am so excited to get the ball rolling.  I feel in control of everything for the first time in a long time.  I am such a nerd and I love the process of planning/organizing all of the appointments and meds.  Here is a picture of my "pharmacy."  I have taken over the top of my husband's dresser. 

Tomorrow is my first ultrasound/labs for this cycle.  I am looking forward to see some of the crew at Fertility Partnership.  As always, prayers are greatly appreciated.

A touch of raw emotion...

I didn't plan on writing all of this tonight.  However, I know there are other ttc couples out there reading this blog.  I thought I would share a bit of raw emotion in hopes that it may help to someday validate your feelings throughout this roller coaster.  Here goes...

I'm having a bit of a rough night, but I think it is passing.  I haven't been sleeping much lately.  My mind is buzzing with so many things and I just keep thinking about the weeks ahead.  For a while, I was just worried about missing an appointment or a medication.  Now, I'm getting that old familiar feeling of doubt and worry. 

Maybe I've set myself up for failure by being too positive about everything.  Honestly, right now at this very moment, I just don't think the IVF is going to work.  Maybe it is because I literally can no longer picture myself pregnant.  I used to always imagine myself with a pregnant belly or seeing that positive HPT for the first time.  I used to imagine how I would tell my friends and family.  I seriously can't imagine it any more.  I'm sure I'm just worked up about the fact that tomorrow (hysteroscopy/D&C) is really the starting point for this entire process.

I do have hope and faith, but my faith is not a blind faith that believes we always get what we want.  I believe that God always gives us an answer, but that sometimes His answer is "No."  I also believe that it is ok to be honest about our emotions when we are feeling doubt and worry and I always know that He is there with me no matter what the outcome.  I'm not having a spiritual crisis here.  My faith in God is unwavering, but my faith that this IVF is going to work is just a tad shaky at this moment.  (Please note that I have been uncharacteristically positive throughout the past several weeks and that my lapse in positive thinking tonight will most like replaced with happy thoughts tomorrow!)

I am allowing myself to get worked up over any little stress.  Instead of just dealing with it, I get anxious about the fact that I'm stressing in the first place.  Does that make sense?  I'm not actually stressing so much about the actual stressful situation.  I'm stressing over the fact that I am stressing, and I just want everything to be mellow and perfect for the next few weeks.  Too bad they don't perform IVF in a log cabin in the mountains.  I think that could work for me right now.

Well, early tomorrow morning I am guaranteed some sleep with a little help from an anesthesiologist.  For now, I'll try to get some rest the natural way.  Thanks for allowing me to share.

It's GO TIME!

The next two weeks are going to be an absolute blur!  We hope to enjoy every second of the journey and take it all in stride.  I must admit, I have spent most of my evening researching labor and delivery units at the local hospitals and looking at babynames.com.  I am remaining absolutely positive about the entire process and the expected results. 

I start my injections this week and I am scheduled for a hysteroscopy/D&C on Wednesday.  I am anxious and excited to get started on the most important two weeks of our lives. 

My biggest fear is that I will miss a medication.  There is so much to keep organized between the frequent labs, ultrasounds, and daily medications.  I have created a comprehensive IVF calendar and I think I'll be able to keep myself organized...with a lot of help from my husband and the staff at Fertility Partnership. 

Thank you for following along in our journey.  We would graciously accept any prayers our readers can offer!  Stay tuned in the following weeks as our IVF journey really takes off.