Meeting with Dr. S

So, we met with Dr. Simckes yesterday.  We didn't know exactly what to expect.  I was armed with a list of questions. He took his time with us and answered all of our questions thoroughly.  Basically, he can't really say why the procedure didn't work.  He isn't 100% convinced that it didn't work.  There is still a chance that we had a miscarriage.  However, he is taking the blame for the other options.  He said that we should have maybe considered a "freeze-all" because of those pre-cancerous cells.  We found out about those cells so late in the cycle, so he thought we should progress.  Then when he saw the excellent egg quality, all signs pointed to completing the cycle. He was beating himself up about it.  He is much harder on himself than necessary.  But, that is because he truly cares.  He said he will feel like a failure until we get pregnant.  We absolutely love him and the rest of the staff.  How many doctors would take the blame for a procedure that only works 30% of the time?  Dr. Simckes is absolutely amazing. 

So, what are the next steps?  Well, he wants to get rid of these pre-cancerous cells before we proceed with anything else.  I will have a D&C scheduled in March.  He will biopsy the cells again and we will see if the progesterone from the January cycle helped at all.  It could take 6 months or so to get rid of the cells.  Once again, we are in a bit of a holding pattern.

Of course, I broke down in his office.  I just want to be finished with this process.  Like I said in a previous post, I haven't felt like the "infertile woman" in a long time.  Now that we are back in the game, I allow it to define me.  Six months ago, I was loving my career, working on my Ph.D., spending time with people I love, and feeling pretty good about life.  All of a sudden, the process of ttc takes over and I allow the rest to take a backseat. 

Everyone says it is worth it in the long-run.  But, that's only true if it works.  None of this is really worth it if we continue this emotional (and expensive) journey and still end up where we started.  I have put so much on hold over these past few years.  I know it may not look like it from the outside, but there are so many decisions I would have made differently if I knew we still wouldn't have a baby at this point.

Here is what I am going to TRY REALLY HARD to believe...
1.) When we become parents, it will be in God's perfect timing. 
2.) God wants us to have a family.  He has given us too many blessings/opportunities at the exact time we need them.
3.) When we become parents, we will be more patient, loving, thankful, excited and prepared than we would have been 10 years ago. 
4.) If we never become parents, we will survive.  I have a true partner in my husband.  He makes this journey work. 

If I have learned nothing else, I have learned that we can handle those things that we say, "I just couldn't handle it if..."  We are stronger than we think.  I'll be sure to keep in touch over the next 6 months.  Please pray that these cells will go away soon!