How did we get here?

How did we get to this point?  I remember the exact day we decided it was time to start trying to have a baby.  We knew we wouldn't wait long after we got married, but we weren't exactly sure when we would be ready to start.  We were only married for 7 or 8 weeks when we had a little scare and thought we might be pregnant.  We decided to swing by the pharmacy after church to get a pregnancy test.  Jack was SO quiet the entire morning and I wasn't sure what he was thinking.  We walked in the door and I ran to the bathroom.  The test was negative.  I came out and told Jack the news.  I thought he would be relieved, but his face immediately turned to disappointment.  That's the exact moment I knew we were ready.  That was 9 1/2 years ago.

After about 6 months of trying, we decided to see a doctor.  Long story short...we visited 5 or 6 doctors, went through lots of testing, took many medications, and tried three rounds of Intrauterine Insemination (IUI) before deciding it just wasn't going to happen for us. 

That takes us up to 2006.  In 2006, we decided to adopt two beautiful little boys. Again, long story short...after approximately 3 months, the boys' aunt picked them up for a visit (open adoption) and never brought them back.  We received a letter in our mailbox that stated they were "sorry for any inconvenience."  Our hearts and our lives were shattered. 

The worst part is that before the failed adoption, we had really come to terms with our infertility.  I truly believe we would have been just fine if we had gone the rest of our lives without a biological child.  That situation rocked us to the foundation and made us realize that the gamble of infertility treatments could potentially be less emotionally and financially draining than the gamble of adoption. 

To be quite honest, it has taken us since 2006 to decide what to do next.  We have prayerfully considered many options.  We NEVER thougt IVF would be a possibility for us.  We read about the costs, success rates, etc.  It just didn't seem to be a viable option.  However, in September/October of this year, that old familiar feeling started creeping back.  It was never really gone, but it began to consume me once again.  I wanted to have a baby.  I wanted to be pregnant.  I wanted to be able to say that we had tried EVERYTHING possible.

We met with Dr. Simckes at the Fertility Partnership and our entire outlook changed.  We felt more hope and excitement than we dared to feel for quite some time.  We had a new goal, a new plan, a new purpose.  We were going to be able to say that we didn't let fear get in the way of our dreams.

There will be times throughout this blog where you will see raw, honest emotion.  This is going to be one of those times.  I am absolutely scared to death.  Even as I write this, I feel the anxiety creeping up in my chest and into my throat.  I just keep saying, "This IVF has to work, right?  We have to catch a break at some point, right?"  We have one chance...one shot at this.  I honestly do not know if we will catch a break.  There is no way to know if this will work.  But, at least we'll be able to say we tried.