Today's Appointment

So, I went in to Fertility Partnership today for a pap smear (sorry...TMI).  As always, I loved seeing the FP staff.  Nicole and Shawnie were both so welcoming.  We were able to catch up a bit while I waited for Dr. S.  They were both so sweet and encouraging, as always.  I teared up a bit when Shawnie talked about our little snow babies.  She said they are taking good care of them until my body is ready. 

Anyway, I went back into the room to put on the ever so small "vest" (open in front).  This vest was not made for a blessed woman such as myself.  I spent the time time waiting for Dr. Simckes pulling and tucking and trying to cover up.  My attempts were in vain.  Anyway...I digress.  Dr. Simckes came in and asked what I was doing there.  I told him I wanted to get off this Megestrol because of the awful side effects.  He said bluntly that I was not going to get off the Megestrol earlier than expected.  Oh...ok.  Well, that sucks.  He said that even if the pre-cancerous cells are gone, we can't stop the medication early because the cells could come back.  He also said that we need to do another D&C to really biopsy the tissue to make sure the cells are gone.

We talked about the fact that I eat constantly and that I have gained TWELVE POUNDS (yes, TWELVE) in less than two months.  UGH!  The constant eating of junk food makes me feel complete lethargic.  So, he said he would put me on an appetite suppressant (basically speed). Nicole told me I might "forget to eat" on this medicine.  This made me laugh because I have pretty much never skipped a meal.  Anyway, I'm going to try it and see how I feel.

So, how do I feel about this?  I was disappointed, of course.  I was praying all week and all the way to the appointment.  I just wanted him to call me in a day or two to say that the pre-cancerous cells were gone and that I could stop taking the medicine.  I also allowed myself to feel that old familiar "feel sorry for myself" kind of feeling that I allow to creep into my heart every now and again.  I was longing to just have a reason to have some hope.  I want to be working toward something.  I mean ACTIVELY working toward something.  I realize that taking my 9 or 10 medicined each day are a way for me to be working toward the ultimate goal.  But, it doesn't feel active to me.  Honestly, I'm just disappointed at where we are at this point.

My husband tried to put it into perspective.  He said that my biggest worry right now is the increased appetite.  He said that this new medication will hopefully remedy that problem and suppress my appetite.  However, the Megestrol will still keep working to hopefully zap those cells and keep me healthy.  I, of course, want a timeline.  I need a plan.  I want a better idea of our future.  I should know by now that it just doesn't work that way.

Thank you for listening!