Health Update
I am still on the high level dose of progesterone. I have been so upset with myself lately because I have been eating so much and I've gained a lot of weight. I found out that the medication I am on is given to HIV patients and Stage 4/5 cancer patients who are unable to eat. It increases their appetites and helps them to gain weight. So, I am thankful that I am not just going crazy and eating for no reason. I hope I can get control over it soon.
I called the Dr's office and told them that I couldn't handle this medication. I am tired all the time. I eat like I'm 8 months pregnant. I have been bleeding for almost three weeks (sorry for the tmi). So, I have a test scheduled for May 17th to track the progress of those pre-cancerous cells. I am feverishly praying that they are gone. I would love to stop the medicine soon. We won't move forward with FET for a while, but I would be happy to end this medication as soon as possible.
Mother's Day
So, today was Mother's Day. I had a great day with my family. However, this was the first time in all of the years since we have been ttc that I was really sad on Mother's Day. I woke up this morning missing the two boys we lost in a failed adoption. I couldn't stop thinking about how far I would have been along in my pregnancy had the IVF in January worked. I kept thinking about our two little babies who didn't make it through the IVF procedure. I kept thinking about the fact that EVERY YEAR I tell myself that it will be my last Mother's Day without a child. I truly convince myself of that each year and it just isn't true. I couldn't allow myself to think it this morning. I am not convinced that this is my last Mother's Day without a child. At this point, I feel like I'll always be the childless mother on Mother's Day.
I went to dinner with some friends tonight. At the end of the meal, the server said he had a special gift for me and my friend. He knows I don't have children. We go there with our friends all the time (almost weekly) and they always have their two-year-old son with them. He brought us each a dessert and t-shirt and said, "Happy Mother's Day." I thought about correcting him. I almost said, "I'm not a mother." Then I decided that I would happily accept this gift today. I am a mother. I am childless, but I have the heart of a mother.
I'm not sure what else to say. I'm hoping I wake up tomorrow feeling a little less empty.
Thanks for the update - I was wondering how you were doing with the progesterone and how you are feeling in general. Let me know if you ever want to talk!
ReplyDeleteCheck with your doctor to be sure it won't interfere, but fennel is great at ending long periods of bleeding. Just swallow a teaspoon of fennel or toss extra on your Italian food. It works well, it's natural, and it's a lot more gentle than adding more crazy chemicals to your body.
ReplyDeleteDid you catch Dr S's blog about Mother's Day? It's one of the things I love about him - he really gets infertility.